ne?

Seems I'm always writing when I feel like shit... really wish I'd change that.. but here I am again, and I guess to some extent this helps to relieve the turmoil within me..

I've been struggling with myself for the past week.. another stoopid choice, another stoopid outcome... forced to make a decision I didn't feel ready to take. ugh. Is that what's bothering me? Somewhat, I'm sure.

But forget that for now.. what else is eating me away? Or more importantly, what am I eating away at? Anything and everything I can get my hands on.. pathetic, really. How hard have I worked to lose weight? And now I feel like I'm in a race with myself in how long it'll take to gain it all back... Ok, I don't reeeally want to gain it back. Not really. Just hitting a low hasn't helped.. and then my bestie hates me.. that never helps, right?

I'm upset at myself, with myself.. I had SO much I wanted to do today. Had to do.
haha guess someone somewhere is trying to relieve me of my stress.. I was starting to say that I had So much stuff I had to do today, but that now I was scared of going out and actually doing any of it.. because I was scared I'd miss my ups package..and just as I was about to write that.. I got a call, door code.. guess who? UPS no less. So, it's noon and I'm now freeee to do what I must! Yipee!!

Definitely helped to relieve some stress... now I can go and start what I needed to do.. part of my day is gone but I can work with what I have left. 

just thoughts...

It's been so long, but I was finally able to see and talk to my Sweetnuthings last week. I felt all warm and fuzzy, it's crazy how I missed her ♥ 

We talked a lot, got to see Olly & Po too, definitely been long since I cammed with them all. But so fun ^-^
Talked a bit later, about other stuff, just her and I.. I'll put the convo below:


Sweetnuthings: What has my Lidibiddie been up to?! Tell me urrythang 'bout your life. Any love interests?
bug: no love interests
bug: yet..
Sweetnuthings: YET? Is there someone you have in mind?
bug: not sure.. if i trust myself to branch out..
bug: like.. i'm scared to get wrapped up too fast (like i did with the last guy i had been talking to.. the one who was all like "are you ever more feminine......")
Sweetnuthings: UGH. THAT GUY.
Sweetnuthings: Well the very fact that you are scared means that you are more aware.
Sweetnuthings: Thus your douche radar will be hypersensative.
bug: true

So um ya.. my everything is sensitive. I've been talking to someone for a little over a week, he's super nice and all. But I'm keeping my emotions at bay, like I refuse to let myself think about the possibility of anything with him. Not that he seems to be someone to be wary of, just because I keep telling myself that I'm not ready and I don't want to latch on and get overly attached  I'm definitely being lead by my fears... not sure how I feel about that. I know it's good in one sense, because it's keeping me from allowing myself to blindly lose my thoughts or reason. But it's scary too, because I ask myself, will I ever not be scared anymore? Is it fine if I just push people away? Or is that a form of running away from my problems as well?
For now, we're slowly getting to know each other as friends. I'm enjoying the slowness of things.