I hate this feeling.

the feeling of shit. and of feeling stressed but not knowing what to do. and i want to talk to someone, but that someone is nowhere to be found. it's like... when you're not in need, you've got people all around you and then when you really need to talk to someone to help you decompress, that person isn't around. 
and it'd be great to talk to a sperting therapist, only i don't have one yet and that's one of the reasons i'm stressing right now. because the place i could've gotten help from, i can't because of my work schedule and the only person i could get something with isn't covered by my insurance.. lovely insurance at that. covers me 100% for shit i'd never use, but when it comes to something i need... nope sorry, we don't cover that. it has to specifically be "this" and we only cover up to 60%.. -_- well, gee... thanks.. i wonder when in this lifetime i'll ever use an acupuncturist, especially since i loathe needles! but whatever.

so, now i'm doing the run around.. trying to find a therapist that i can afford (there's the key word), who speaks proper English (so i can express myself fully without getting a lost look on their part) and i'm getting drained in the process. and stressed.. and just ugh. 
i'm just.. super frustrated right now. and tired. really really tired. wish it would all just freakin' end. -_-
and i need to go register so i can vote. ugh. and i want to cancel for the movie tomorrow but feel that i can't because drago bought the tickets already.. but i feel like i'm getting pushed into a friendship. like ya, i get p's your best friend too but i feel like he's being pushed onto me.. so that we have to spend time together and we have to go do everything together.. like.. ask me first? idk. i understand he wants his two best friends to get along, i do. and i have nothing against p.. but i don't know.. just like how he doesn't like meeting new people or rather finds it stressful to meet new people or to be surrounded by all these new people.. i think he forgets that i'm the same? like idk.. give me time? i don't like feeling like i'm being pushed and have no choice but to head in one specific direction. i'm feeling overwhelmed with everything and now to top it off.. i can't even talk with him on our mopcue days 'cause we'll be with someone else. it's stifling. 
but i feel like if i say something, i'll just be pushed aside. because p's here now, right? and if he's got p and i'm not in the picture, well.. what good am i for anyways, right? he'll just start seeing me less and spending less time with me and more with p.. and i'll get replaced.. right? 
or are those just my fears speaking out? is that me being selfish? am i entitled to feel what or how i'm feeling? can i take my time in forming a friendship or is the only way to make everyone happy, to get pushed into one? 
i could really use a talk right now.. or hell, even just a hug or a smile or anything really.. it doesn't even have to be him.. i could really use my sweetnuthings right about now. she always helps to cheer me up... but i barely hear from her anymore T-T

i guess it's not as bad as i might make it out to be. at the therapy place, even though they can't help me,  the lady i spoke with was very helpful and has told me if there's anything else she can do, to contact her again.. she's given me links so that i can find someone and given me tips on what to look for, for my specific needs. and given me two other centres that have sliding fee scales, albeit at two extremities (one in laval and one near beaudry), but it's still somewhere to start. 
guess i'm just feeling down and out of it 'cause now i have to start over from scratch.. the stress that i had gotten rid of when i had finally booked my first appt., after having to cancel and now start from the bottom again.. that stress has come back in hoards and in full stride. i'm feeling drained. that and the fact that i was looking everywhere for him so that we could talk but he was nowhere to be found.. so i texted him and he's with p.. and i'm feeling like he'll be with him alldayeveryday and then even on days that are kind of "our" days out.. p'll be there too.. so there are no more justthetwoofus days out anymore.. is that dependency? is the feeling that you're being pushed aside part of that too? he spent the day with p on sat., is out with p today, p's coming tomorrow (didn't bother to ask me how i felt about it, just something he decided on his own. sure fine, i didn't make a whole stink out of it, i didn't protest or stomp my foot and just said it sounded fine.. but it's bothering me a lot more than i thought it would.. especially right now, that i could use to talk to him, but obviously he's not around nor will he be around tomorrow. like, i'll go.. but won't even be able to talk to him..)
i'm seriously feeling stifled right now.. like this mix of emotions and stress and just everything all rolled into one and i'm just like D8 *keels over* 

maybe food would help... clear up this dizzyness.. i haven't eaten since this morning.. that can't possibly be good... 
i'm just ugh.

blah

Kelvin posted a link today, and it's totally what I needed to see. =3 


I was talking with Sylvie last night.. and god I swear she knows me through and through, probably better than I know myself.. just like Raine. We were talking about dépendance affective, because well hell, who am I kidding.. I'm an affection suckle monster Dx good grief. What with my last frenzied, stressful outburst, if there were any doubts or thoughts that I was heading on the right track.. >.> they've disappeared into thin air. -_-


She was saying "it's the pattern you learned from your mom, from when you were a little girl...and also, you open your heart too fast so people can step on it as they wish...you don't want to displease anybody so you end up being hurt....." what was I saying about her knowing me better than I know myself. Ya, I know the above to be true, why did the reason "why" never come to me though? The only thing that would come to mind, is that I'm not one to start blaming others, like if anyone's going to have any blame put on them.. it'll most probably be me. Because I'm not up to par, I'm not good enough, I'm lacking.. me me me. oy vay.  I think having Sandi here is going to do me some good, she'll talk some sense into me. Vacation! Vacation is definitely going to help too. But I'm not running from the problem anymore. Not so much that I've been "running" from it until now, it was more along the lines of "I don't need outside help, I can do this on my own". And while "working on myself by myself" has had good stuff come from it, the fact that I can revert back to needing affection, the fact that I'd open myself up to being hurt again..and it's not even just by others, I'm hurting myself (figuratively speaking.. emotionally, not physically). I'm just at my wits end. I feel like I took one step forward and five steps back. God I'm so frustrated with myself, it's not even funny.


"Life is about creating yourself.. and recreating and destroying (tho not self-destruction) and creating again, then recreating.." it's a constant cycle and I'm going back to the drawing board, with a massive eraser in tow. 


Only, this time.. I'm going for the "outside" help. I've reached a point where, I don't know what I can do to "make things better". Writing my "therapy" blog, where I was just writing out things from my past, thinking if I got it out of my head, I could look back on it, figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong, fix it and move on.. doesn't seem to have done much, if anything. Guess it's not the same as talking to a social worker, like the one I was able to see when papa was in palliative care.. That had actually helped, even if it was only for a short while. She was the one who recommended doing other stuff to get my mind off of things.. it was around then that I found asian dramas, she was like, if it works, keep at it.  
I was talking to my sup. yesterday, he was concerned because of how I was the night before (didn't work Tuesday night.. this girl *points at self* was un paquet of uncontrollable crying -_-). We had a good talk. It's not "nice" but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who goes through shit like this. He used to have to be surrounded by people to feel right, to feel at ease with himself. He was (pretty much like N.) unable to say "no" to people. He was able to work on himself, by himself, by first isolating himself completely and then gradually coming out and really asking himself if he wanted something, like really wanted it. For his pleasure, not that of others. While not exactly the same issue, he gave me some pointers. He's gonna check some stuff out for me too. Like that aide aux employés thing, and there's another one he's going to look into. 
He was like.. what he found helped him, was making a list of what he wanted for him. He's like, much like how you made a list of what you want in a guy, make a list of the faults you have and make a list of what you want to be. Then work on that list. 


Sylvie says she used to be dépendante affective (much like Raine used to be dépendant affectif), so they know what they're talking about. Poor Raine, he gets so frustrated with me, when he sees me constantly falling into the same loop. ;_; Anyways, Sylvie says it might be good to see un psychologue, but that she saw une travailleuse sociale, which offered the same thing, only cost A LOT less. She says I could either go to my local CLSC, though I'd be put on an indefinite waiting list, or do what she did, and just go to the centre des femmes. I'm going to look through my options, as well as the info Seb's gathering for me and pick something. Hopefully with someone who speaks English. It'll be easier to get things off my chest that way. 
I feel like.. I've emotionally burnt out. Mental burnout Dx Not to the point where I'm déprimé, because I refuse to let myself get into a rut. I'm doing stuff to keep me busy, but at the same time, my head feels like it's about to explode. God I feel so drained. =_=