So tired =_=

I was feeling a bit down today.. just a mixture of everything rolled into one. ugh. I hate feeling like that... Stressed, frustrated, incapable of doing anything about it, it makes me tired and almost depressed. 
I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. Weird right? Usually after vacation I'm ready to jump back into the swing of things, so to speak. But now, I just feel drained. It's a sign. I don't love my job anymore.. anywho, talking to my bestie helped some, but I will still feeling blah. Hadn't eaten, which probably wasn't helping..I had been debating eating or just going back to sleep, when my bestie mentioned baking.. and I was like, *ding!* I has ripe bananers that need to be made into something.. I started looking for recipes for banana stuff.. L'il Drago (my bestie) LOVES my banana bread, but I didn't really feel like making it.. then I came across a zucchini banana recipe and I was "sold!" so to speak =D I knew if I'd go to sleep, I'd never get to turning ze bananas into something nummy and they'd probably go horribly bad and have to get chucked yet again. So, I forced myself to get up, and started prepping and one thing led to another.. I made 2 recipes, which can be found on my other blog, Zucchini-Banana Bread & Choco Espresso Banana Bread. Nom nom nom *drools*

I love what baking does to me. I'm sure I'm mentioned it before, but as mah bestie says, I'm senile.. so I'll just keep on repeating meself forever and ever mwahahaha It completely soothes me, relaxes me, cheers me up and I ended up have loads of fun! 
I'm all proud of myself, I did some modifying with the choco espresso recipe, nothing big or fancy, but it's still a lot for me. I usually never even think to modify things, or I get super unsure of things and scared so I back out of it. Totally always second guessing myself. It's pretty frustrating. But I didn't do that today, I just did it, without giving it much thought. I was like, oooh this substitution looks good (for the zucchini-banana recipe, I followed a substitution for some ingredients that someone added in a  comment). So I was like, "hmm, I want to use honey in this one too.. and then looked up how much I should use in substitution for brown sugar and played with that..and then I was like, darn need milk.. don't have any..what could I put? ooooh I have almond "milk" and there we go =D" So, ya, I'm all proud of meself for being able to substitute stuff and kind of recreate/modify a recipe. 

I was really tired at the beginning of this blog entry, as I had eaten some of the choco espresso banana bread... coffee/espresso/energy drinks.. they all make me sleepy or knock me right out if I'm exhausted. But I've been writing for a while now, taking breaks every so often, as I was texting with my bestie, so ya, I'm still tired just not as much as before 'cause it's kind of woken me up a bit *nods*

We're swapping our movie night mondays to Tuesday afternoons.. at least while lil' Drago is off from work (to work on his portfolio). It actually helps me a lot, I was feeling really tired this weekend, as though I wasn't going to get any "me" time.. and he suggested this and I was like "hell yea!!" it works for me, because I'm usually up early on Tuesdays even though I work at night as it's the 1st of my 4 day shift so I'm still in the groove of sleeping nights. At least now I'll have a purpose in being up early and I can sleep when I get home for a bit before my shift starts. 
But it totes gave me today as a day for myself. I didn't expect for my day to start so rough and low, but it picked up and I'm really glad about that. 

I'll be starting my therapy sessions this coming Saturday, I'm eager for it. A bit worried that I won't know what to say.. but I remember having the same thoughts when I was scheduled to see a social worker back when my dad was in palliative care, and then I just rambled away.. which I have an inkling is what may happen this time around too. Only one way to find out, that's to go to mah session. 

all is well ^_^

lil' Drago's op went well. I stayed with him and kept him company (even though he was drugged to the max) after the op, until his dad came and took la relève. Then I came home and crashed, but I got sidetracked as I often do and so I didn't sleep. Sandi came home and we talked and watched TV (rareness right there for me.. TV haha) until around midnight, then we both went to sleep. Yesterday his dad was able to stay until he got discharged and so was able to bring him home (which is awesome 'cause it meant he didn't have to cab it home). 
I stuck around at home, but we (Sandi & I) decided to go out for a movie.. and why only meet up later? I left with her around noon and we came home close to 11pm. Had loads of fun. Talked. My talks with Sandi are always memorable. The woman gives great advice!
We window shopped, "found" shoes for each other.. haha y'know, shoes with heels that could (would) kill us. She found (bought) some shirts and I some pants. Lawdy lawd I bought my first shorts in a looooong time! Also great news, I've lost a pant size! Woohoo!! I am now, no longer a 14, but a 12. Thank you! Thank you! *bows and curtsies*
Official weigh day is tomorrow morning.. I'm soooo excited =D 

My mouman invited us to this "vernissage". One of her friends paints, sculpts and makes jewelry and was having an exhibit at the Musé des beaux Arts boutique yesterday. So we met up with la mouman and met two other of her friends (my mouman has friends, I'm so proud of her =3), looked around and then departed to get to our movie. We watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It was really funny, you fall in love with the characters. I was laughing out loud, I cried, then laughed again, it was awersome! And yes, I was THE youngest person in the theatre.. like at least 20some years younger than some of the "younger" ones haha I had a blast =3

The note up there, about me being proud my mouman has friends.. it's not that it's weird for a parent to have friends. I guess, in a normal setting, it would be pretty normal, right? And it's not that I find it weird for my mom to have friends, it's just that I'm happy she's finally found REAL friends. Like, if any of you know my history, and what life was like with my dad, then you'd know for the longest time she had no friends.. apart from my aunt (dad's sister), because she wasn't allowed to, well.. go out (literally, at all). And the years afterwards, when she was no longer with him.. the only "friend" she had was my aunt (dad's sis), who isn't the best of friends. I don't know if she treats every one of her friends the same or if she's just that way with my mom, but it's not a healthy relationship. You don't degrade your real friends to allow yourself to step up onto a pedestal, so you can feel good about yourself and your life, while your friend feels like crap and as though they've come up short as a parent. -_- My mom had some other friends, from the church she went to.. and while I guess they were nice, they're the type of people that only come to you when they're in need. They want your help, they need your help.. but when you're in need, they're nowhere to be found. So, ya, friends that are only there when they need you but not the other way around isn't a real friend in my books. And it seemed like those were the only types of people that were hanging around my mouman. Recently, over the past few years, she's actually started to make real friends. People who will actually call her, want to see her, make time for her. So it's no longer 1-way friendships. And that's why I'm proud my mouman has friends. Real friends. People she can go out with and have fun with and they're there for each other during good and bad times. 
My sister's complained about it a few times. Like "mom's out with her friends again" and "at her age, what does she need to go out so much for" *jaw drops open in shock and horror* It's not like she's running around in bars and clubs, flirting like a 16yr old. Good grief. She's literally going out. Bike rides, going to museums, art exhibits. She's found people she has things in common with and is doing stuff with them. It makes me happy to see her so happy and finally, for once in her life, out, having fun with real friends. *nods*

So, I was talking with Sandi about my latest "adventure" so to speak. And how, I've come to the realization that, while yes, I have made some progress in trying to change myself (making & fortifying my backbone) in areas I was lacking.. some things while I thought had gotten better (aka affection dependency), instead seem to have gotten worse. Like that thing I was saying earlier (maybe a post or so ago) about feeling as though I took one step forward and 5 steps back. So I was saying how I've decided to actually get help from the outside (social worker/therapist/psychologist). She was telling me how it was great, because while you think things.. They're only that. Thoughts. You need to change things, but find out why things are the way they are, find the root of the problems to be able to work at them and solve them. And while having friends and family around to give me advice, while that is good, you need to have help from someone who's educated in the field. And she was saying that finding someone who's right for me, in the sense of that outside help, will be much like how it was when I was trying on pants. I may find some that fit, but I may not love them, because they're not right for me and for my needs. So if after one session, it doesn't feel right (or even after a consultation) to not give up, but rather look for someone who's got the right specialization. Because while one might be great for couples having relationship issues, they might not be so great with helping someone deal with a past that was lacking.

Oh and we were looking up this columnist that she reads in the paper back home. Carolyn Hax. Very good info there. Things that hit close to home. I was reading some with her.. and you have people who right in, and she's answer them and give them advice, etc. and I was reading one guy's post and I was like "holy crap, that describes me to a T" but like.. when I'm in a relationship I don't see it, I only see it when the relationship has ended. And it's much like Drago was telling me.. if the same thing happened to him, I would be the first to tell him not to do it or to show him how it was a bad situation.. but when he's telling me the same thing.. I'm incapable of seeing it. Like, blind much? I see it now.. but it's been a while, y'know? It takes time for me to get level-headed. 

And then we looked up something else she had been talking to me about.. Maslow's hierarchy. It's a theory in psychology about the pyramid of needs of a person. Those towards the bottom having the most importance, and when you lack them, then it's hard to, I guess, go up the pyramid. Like you still do, but there will be things that you lack.

I'll post the image found on wiki:

So, we were reading up on it (you can read up on it too, if you're interested *nods* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs) 
And ya, I acknowledge there's a lack in my "safety" level, because of my childhood, which unfortunately sticks with me through the rest -__-
But something jumped out at me.. in the next section of Love and Belonging. 
"After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs are interpersonal and involve feelings of belongingness. The need is especially strong in childhood and can over-ride the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents." It was the clinging part. It's like it was an eye opener.. I remember as a kid, that ya, I was always affectionate towards people but more so towards my dad. Like LOADS more as opposed to towards anyone else,even my mom. I couldn't have explained why. I know it's what made me his "favourite" (and I know how people say that parents don't have favourites.. but you'd say differently if you had met my dad). Did I cling to him so much because of the lack of acceptance I felt from him? 
And the situation repeats itself.. because looking back to the relationships I've had.. whenever things seemed to be going horribly wrong, that's when I clinged the hardest. I'm sure it's suffocating to others. Because it's suffocating for me in different ways. Not that I realize so much that I'm clinging, but I do notice the change in me. And the blaming commences, why am I acting this way? What is wrong with me? Because god forbid that the problem not lie within me, but in the other person. I don't ever allow myself to think that. There are only a few key times where I've been able to come to my senses, because I had noticed something was wrong and had sought out external help and had seen the situation under a different light. Where I tried to work things out with the other person, and after the other person acknowledging that there was in fact a problem (but never tried to resolve it, even after saying he'd try), only then did I allow myself to say... "maybe it's not just me". 

Definitely, some form of therapy will be useful and is needed. I've come to terms with that. And not doing anything about it will only stunt my growth, I don't want that. I only want what's best for me.

It brings back what I was talking to Sylvie about last week. She was telling me again to not look for someone. She always tells me that, and I know she says it for me, because it's true and I need to hear it.. and she was telling me how she was looking and neither was her bf at the time and they found each other and they're happy and ya I was feeling kind of bitter because I was in a mood that night (mainly because of the idiot I had talked to moments earlier on the phone.. for work.. anyways I digress). So I answered kind of rough, because at first I felt as though she was accusing me of having been searching and that's why it wasn't meant to be, and I hadn't been so I was a tad miffed. But as I was writing my feelings came out and I came to the realization that I can't do this alone anymore, y'know?
anywho, this is what I said:
"i wasn't looking for lucio either and he found me. but it wasn't the right guy and i don't trust me anymore. so no, i'm not looking anymore. and i'm going to work on me and only me. and find a shrink to go to and see if maybe somehow whatever the fuck is wrong with me can be fixed so i can live a peaceful life without being overly dependant on the affection of someone. and so that my self confidence, self esteem and self worth can improve."

And it all just ties in together. The fears that I've had since I was a teen.. y'know.. about them saying you'll marry someone like your dad.. the fears I've had when in bad relationships, the doubting that I wasn't really loved, clinging to affection. It's all related and just "forgetting" about the past, doesn't actually make it go away. Trust me, I've tried for SO many years. Thinking that if I didn't think of something it would make the problems disappear. But if I think about it, if I keep it fresh in my mind, it'll always stay there to haunt me and follow me around. So, I would not think about the past, burying it deep within. But does it ever just vanish? No. It doesn't. It stays in your self conscious and while you're not thinking of it, the fears still build. That something's not quite right. That there's something missing. Now while it may just be in your relationship, it can also be due to your past. 
So therapy... HERE I COME!!! Because trying to solve it on my own just isn't working out the way I had planned.

OKies.. I'm off for now.. 

long day but no regrets ^_^

First, I'd like to say: hello my first and only follower ^_^ I bid you good day (technically it is day, even tho it be the wee hours of the morn')

So I did promise an update. I went to see "Heart of Auschwitz". It was touching and made me cry T_T but a good kind of crying *nods*

It's based on a heart-shaped booklet that was made in the Union Metalwerks factory in Auschwitz for the 20th birthday of Fania, one of the workers. They were all female, under the age of 25 as anyone older was "disposed" of. Within the booklet there are many happy wishes written in different languages. They didn't all speak the same language, but they cared for one another regardless of the hell they were living. The heart-shaped booklet is on display at the Montreal Holocaust Memorial Center. [I saw it this year when Sylvie (friend and coworker) and I went there on Museum Day. They had informed us that a movie was in the making based on the booklet. I'm glad I was able to see it *nods*]
All entries in the booklet were signed, first name only. Some, with an initial for a last name. In the documentary they tried to find these people. Some may have passed away. One lady was found, they spoke to her on the phone only. She said she remembered the booklet but didn't want to meet anyone and didn't want to talk about that time. It's totally understandable. They lived through hell, having survived, I understand wanting to forget anything about it. The people making the documentary were capable of finding a few of the signees thanks to the help of Lidia Vago, they were also able to find the one who was the "mastermind" so to speak, the one who decided, organized and put the booklet together.
Lidia Vago is the leader of the Union former workers committee. She had collected some 400 names of former workers in surveys. These surveys included signatures of the former workers which helped to match with the signatures in the booklet. Phone numbers and addresses (if filled out) were also listed in the surveys.
I felt happy that she was capable of helping them to the extent that she was. A little proud too that we have the same first name, spelled the same and everything >_< She looked like a sweet little granny who could work a cell phone hehe it was cute to see ^_^

I really loved the movie/documentary. If or when it comes out on dvd, and I hope it does, this is one movie I want to purchase. It's not just a movie about reunion, it's a movie about courage and sisterhood. Ties that can be made regardless of the hell you're living.

oh the weather outside is FRIGHTFUL!!

So it's been a while since my last entry. I can't say I've been up to much. Took a little break from everything as I took on my very first crochet project.... making a penguin pillow for my best friend, it's still in the making 'cuz i got frustrated on the feet and kinda just put it aside. I'll probably pick it back up this weekend.

What did I do during all that inactive crochet time you ask? Well, I submerged myself in Korean dramas.. what bliss! It helped that I had a little more than 1 full week off from work, I got all that much more viewing in ^_^

Here are some on the movies & series I watched, as well as my take on them...

starting with movies:

A Wolf's Temptation - (fun, action, saaad but good)

He Was Cool - (aka The Guy was Cool - cute, funny, kinda corny)

Innocent Steps - (cute, dance, w Moon Geun-yeong)

Jenny, Juno - (cute, similar to "Juno" but they keep the baby)

Marrying the Mafia - Movie (comedy, cute)

My Boss, My Hero - (strange, stupid, w action)

My Sassy Girl - (awersome, cute & funny, little sad; romantic comedy)

My Tutor Friend - (funny, cute)

Please Teach Me English (very cute, funny, romantic comedy, me like ^_^)

S Diary (cute, funny, me gots mixed feeling ending)

She's on Duty (action, comedy not too funny but cute w Gong Yoo)

The Classic - (lovely heartwarming, soooo sad, happy ending yet soo sad) ** fav

Windstruck - (soo sad, but hehe ending, must watch after My Sassy Girl to get ending lol)

100 Days With Mr Arrogant - (cute, very funny)


and the series I watched:

Sweet 18 (cute, funny, tearjerker)

The Painter of the Wind (heartwrenching, tearjerking beautiful movie, sad end) **fav


so, umm, yeah I guess I've been kinda busy lol being the new form of couch potato, instead of watching tv I watch kdramas on ze interwebs ^_^ but really... what else can I do when it's FREEZING outside!!

I've also recently (as of the new year) started to do some exercises.
Really, I should've never stopped.. had to do physio a few years back 'cuz I had injured my back when I fell on the snow & ice covered sidewalks (stupid mayor couldn't be bothered to put sand on streets & sidewalks).. not fun, also one of the reasons I now hate going outdoors when there's snow.
So, yeah, they had given me exercises to do and told me to continue even after my physio was over because if I gain weight I'll always have back pains grrrr and these exercises help to strengthen my back muscles and kinda firm me tummy up...
I slacked, then I altogether stopped.. I've since gained some weight back and recently my back started hurting again. *exasperated sigh* So there you have it, my reason for starting up my exercises again.. I know I have to start walking more as well, but with there being snow out there I'm not partial to the idea of doing that and I don't have the money to go to a gym... unless anyone knows of a workout gym that's free? Anyone? Oh! and it'd have to be in the Montreal area.

winter wonderland ^_^

It's the first official snowfall today, and with this comes our first snow storm of the year! woohoo!! ^_^ It's actually not that bad, really. Only about 35cm of snow, pretty good. *nods in agreement*

We'll see what it's like at work tomorrow, busy or not? Speaking of work, I lived through a tmi yesterday. OMG j'en reviens pas!!! I work at a call center for roadside assistance. This lady calls me, telling me she needs a boost and the car's parked in the lot of a resto. So, I ask her for the address and her response "I don't know, I'm in the washroom" ah! ok *shudders* I put her on hold so I can go look for an address, and when I get back on the line, she doesn't answer right away. Oh no, I get sound effects! She was WIPING!!!! eww eww eww gross gross gross
Please people if you're going to call for assistace PLEASE call after you've done your business or at the very least don't tell me about it!!! Traumatized I was, I tell you!

On a good note though, after work I went to the dollar cinema with my mom & aunt and we watched Julie & Julia. I had been wanting to watch it for a long time. It was an awersome moovie!

I saw the listings for the other movies playing there this week and I'm eager to go back tomorrow but it'll depend on how I'm feeling after a 10hr shift, I was asked to do overtime because of the snow storm *nods* really it's a mini storm, nothing compared to last year's. Now THAT was crazy!

They're playing The Shining and though I already own that movie, it'd love to watch it on big screen... redrum redrum lol There's also The Goonies, Inglourious Basterds and The Pink Panther with Peter Sellers - awersome movie! Ok so I wouldn't watch all of these tomorrow, but hey at $2.30 a ticket I'm for it.