Wah~ so much stuff going on right now. It felt soo good to do nothing this weekend, with the exception of Saturday. It was my Kishki's birthday, yep, mah sistah. Baked her a cake and went over for supper to my mouman's. Sunday and Monday were chillaxing days. Refused to go out with anyone, and minus going out to feed Mia (my four legged furry purring niece), I did nothing but sleep, read and watch a bit of T.V. No wait, I did laundry too.. forgot about that one. But still, very relaxed weekend. It's a change from all the running around I've been doing lately. August has been busy! My weekends have been packed, with little to no time to myself. 
Sandi came again this year (yay ^_^) from July 23rd to August 6th. It was good to have her here again. Very therapeutic in a sense, Lies was right. I'd been having a tough time dealing.. recently found out that my grandmouman has a cancerous mass as because she's old and not in tip top shape, the docs won't do anything..so all she has is a matter of time. And my aunt had a mass in her brain, they removed it, but then found out it's cancerous..something like a "star tumor" or something like that.. basically, it's supposed to be one of the toughest cancers to get rid of because it keeps spreading. It was kind of a shock and a hell of a blow. I feel better after talking things out, I won't lie though, it still scares me. Talking to Sandi (a cancer survivor) helped. I've been feeling less stressed about it anyways. 

Someone posted this up in one of my fb groups. It's definitely something that applies to every day life and always worth knowing and to keep as a reminder. 

하늘이 무너져도 솟아날 구멍이 있다 ~ Korean proverb What it says "Even though the sky is falling, there is a hole that you can pass through", what it means "Even if you're in big trouble, there would be the way to overcome it" or "If the sky falls down, there's always a way that will allow you to rise up again"

하늘(Haneul)=Sky, 무너지다(Mooneojida)=Fall down, 솟아나다(Sot ah na da)=Rise up, 구멍(Goo-meong)=Hole

I think, sometimes, I would need this tattooed to my forehead lol 
but it's true, no matter how bad things are, unless you completely give up and stop fighting, there will always be a way out.

feeling bleh and in pain

I've been in somewhat of a rut for the past week..maybe week and a half. Dx I loathe ruts. Feeling all depressed and shit, not cool at all. I recently started attending these meetups and they're super fun and helping me to get out of the house and meet new people. It's also getting out of my comfort zone, because I'm shy right? So, it's having me reach out in a sense, and meet and talk to people. Because it's a meet up you can't go and like.. not talk to anyone xD that'd be horrible lol. But ya, so it gets me talking with people about whatever, convos flow, so it's cool. 
But, they take pics at these events and I was looking at them..and there are pics of me and it's just kind of run me down. Not sure how to explain it, but like, when I see myself in a mirror at home or like just every day, I feel fine. I know I'm not at my ideal weight, I am overweight, but I don't see myself like that. I'm not sure if anyone can understand that ha. Like I see myself, how I used to be (if I'm not looking in a mirror) before I gained all this excess weight, a mirror reminds me that I still have some work to do before I get back to that size. But pictures.. I look ginormous. One picture they took, I don't know what the heck I did, but I look like I have 3 chins... I don't have 3 chins o~o 
In one of the meetups, it was a culinary get-together and we had to wear an apron, I'm not sure if it's because of the way the apron "fits" me.. but I looked huge. So I've been plagued with images of "beached whale-me" and in all the pictures I see of myself, standing near other people, whether they're big or skinny... I feel I look ginormously fat. And then that gets me thinking, like who the f* would want a beached whale? It got so bad that I started feeling depressed..to the point where I wished I could just disappear.. not as scary as when I wanted to end my life, but similar in a way.. freaked me out just enough, I spent Monday miserable, barked at my peamate, ended the day crying. Only good thing that came out of it, was that I finally stopped putting my health on hold. The very next day, I went out, bought food - healthy food, and started exercising. So even though I still feel borderline depressed, exercising gives me an energy boost and helps me to feel better about myself. Eating healthy and also keeping tabs again on myfitnesspal.com helps me to know I'm doing something right for me, and that I'm getting proper nutrition. 

So, Tuesday I did yoga, Wednesday I did lvl 1 of the 30 day shred - I still have no clue if you're supposed to do that workout every day or not - Thursday I took a day off, only did some stretching poses from yoga, because my upper back's been in a lot of pain (moreso that usual) since last weekend. Friday I thought I'd do something different, I did lvl 1 of flat abs in 6 weeks - I know that'll never be a possibility, the flat abs in 6 weeks 'cause I've got 2 tummies to work through, but I figured it couldn't hurt because it'll still help to concentrate on my core and tone it down some. After the workout I was fine, took a bath, ate supper, then went on the sofa. Was watching a bit of tv, but was half lying down, decided I would use the tv to help me fall asleep (there's a timer on the tv so it turns off after x amount of time - where you regulate x), wanted to take a nap before my shift started, because I've lacked sleep this week and I work nights so I need to stay awake. 
I set the timer on my tv, then, still half lying down, propped up on my right elbow, I half turned to put the remote behind me on the back end of the sofa - something I've done many times - and that's when it happened. A sharp pain shot from my lower back (left side) across to my upper back (right side), the pain was enough to have me drop the remote and almost curl up. 
Right after, my upper back, along the spine killed! It was a sharp pain and wouldn't go away. It was also hurting on my right side, upper back. Sometimes, when my back is hurting, I'll go sit on my bed, with my legs hanging off and then lie back. My bed it really high, so it tends to help me stretch my back and usually it'll feel better. Sometimes it causes my back to pop or crack, sometimes the pop or crack feels good, other times it hurts like a bitch.. it's a win/lose situation but usually a win, so I try it to give me relief when the pain's too much. So, I tried it, hoping it might help.. only nothing. Nothing happened and the pain didn't subside. 
I figured maybe lying on my back on the sofa would help or if I slept it off... I couldn't sleep the pain was too much and forget being on my back.. although being on my back hurts less that if I try to lie on my side. So, no sleep before my shift. The pain seemed to migrate away from the middle of my back, towards the right side.. and no longer stayed at the top of my back but spread. from my shoulder to under my shoulder blade and still a bit lower - around to where my ribs end.. my lower back is spared - yippee! I already have a pinched nerve down there, don't need more pain applied to my lower back. 

I thought I'd be ok for my shift.. but when I started to work, when I typed or moved my mouse (I'm right-handed - mostly, can use my left hand for a lot of things but controlling a mouse isn't one of them, should practice that..) the pain was unbearable. It was shooting through my back (the right side, area mentioned in previous paragraph) and was so painful it was bringing tears to my eyes. Also, after starting my shift my right arm started hurting, obviously the shoulder (between the shoulder and neck), but also the upper part of my arm (close to the shoulder but just below it), and some of my fingers (middle and ring finger) were feeling numb..I took 2 advil that I had from when I got my wisdom teeth pulled last month, they're anti-inflamatory/muscle relaxants. Didn't help.. ugh. I still wanted to try and work through my shift because this coming Monday (the 24th) is a holiday and if you want to get it paid or have your hours banked, you need to have worked the day before.. as my shift ends Friday, I needed to work Friday to get my hours for Monday. I thought I'd be able to do it.. but the pain was horrendous and then I started feeling dizzy.. I'm taking calls and my voice is quavering because of the pain and I'm fighting back pain tears. ugh. no fun. 

And then I ended up getting on skype. My peamate wanted to go watch a movie on Tuesday.. but I'm not available. I'm not crazy about going to watch movies on a day I work, because I have to wake up before 4pm (thus not getting my 8hrs of sleep.. I *need* 8hrs of sleep to function properly), but also now, because I've made a workout and eating schedule that I want to stick by. To keep me from being depressed.. also this week, I have to go out and help my mom walk the dog.. she hurt her left arm and left side of back, so she won't be able to walk him (I hurt the right, she hurts the left.. we're really family!) 'cause my sister (owner of le doggie) is out of town for the week.. some teaching meeting thing in Montebello.. I agreed to this over 2 weeks ago, so I'm not going to cancel. I'm just going to work around it with my exercises and eating right. But ya, so anyways, I tell him that I'm busy but we can maybe do it on the Monday.. because he had told me earlier that week that Saturday was off limits as he wanted it as his day to just chill and do nothing. I respect that, so I offered Monday as well.. Sat, Sun & Mondays are my days off.. he's known this for all the time we've known each other. But Monday he can't.. he just got a bf, it's been maybe a month now. I've grown accustomed to him not going out with me as often anymore. I totes get that he wants to be with his bf, (he likes to point out he'd been single for 8yrs), so ya I totes get it. He's horny as fock lol I get that. And so I get that he wants to be with his bf. I totally accept it. But now, because Monday's a holiday, his bf'll be sleeping over Sunday night and they'll spend the day together on Monday. That's cool, but since I can't make it any other time during the week, I offered to to something next Saturday or Sunday - because next Monday I actually have to work ugh. But that wasn't good enough for him. He doesn't want to break his plans, which is fine, but expects me to break mine, so that I can go when it's convenient for him. How is that fair? 
And then, because I kept repeating myself, that "no, I'm busy on Tuesday and every other day of the week.. but because Monday I don't work, I can do what I have to do earlier and then go out with you" so he started, almost felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into changing my mind. Saying how he covered some touchy ground in therapy and how it brought up a lot of emotions and about being in a lot of stress lately and just wanting to go see a movie with me but that I didn't want to go.. and I was like.. hold up, you're twisting my words.. I never said I didn't want to go, but that I couldn't go that specific day, I had given him alternatives, I even told him why I hadn't suggested meeting on Saturday - because he wanted it as his day.. but then suggested that if he didn't mind, we could go out on Saturday after I'd go pick up pain meds. - He never asked what the pain meds were for.. I don't even think he paid attention - but he did read what I wrote because he went off on not being able to go because he wanted to work on his art and needed to send out emails and stuff. So I get it right, because he has things he wants and needs to do as well, and here I am, trying to find a convenient time for both of us, but he's totally unwilling and unbending.. and it should be me, that I give up what I'm supposed to do to appease him. 
And so, I started feeling like I was being brushed aside.. and that my feelings were also being brushed aside.. and obviously it's not something new, because I have been feeling that ever since...it's been a good while.. More so, when he started going out with his bf, they'd been friends for a while beforehand, but like.. we had made plans to go out on a Saturday (the plans were made before he started dating), but by the time that Sat came along, he'd already been dating.. and so he kept saying things like "oh why did I agree to that" and "I wish I could just cancel", it was an event I rsvped for.. and had specifically mentioned that if I rsvped I wouldn't cancel it.. and it's not like I had even asked him to attend, he had volunteered and was all gungho about it, I made sure he was absolutely certain before I rsvped. But then.. he started acting like he didn't want to go.. he was only going out of obligation.. and then decided that he would plan something with his bf for right after.. the event was supposed to last until 4:30pm.. but he made plans to meet up before then.. double booking.. I didn't mind quite as much, mainly because I was going without having slept after my shift.. and so by the time we left the even 2pm.. I had been up for over 24hrs.
But it's the weekend before, when he informed me that there was no way he'd stay until the end because he wanted to spend it with his bf.. I don't know.. it just feels like.. you're getting brushed aside.. and had we just "made plans" without an rsvp, he'd have totally just cancelled on me. 
I obviously didn't bring everything up, but I did mention it not being fair that he wanted me to cancel my plans and felt like he was brushing me aside.. 
I don't think I expected what he said next, "oh I totally am" "i'm a f* demanding prick" I just sat there. I was hoping maybe he just hadn't realized he was acting that way. 'Cause you know, sometimes you'll do or say something without thinking and it might come off as pressuring someone, but it's not what you wanted to do. But here he was, aware of what he was doing. Aware and acknowledging it! 
This is the reason he never wants to meet my sis, because he doesn't like the way she treats me.. and how she tries to manipulate me into doing things AND HE'S DOING IT RIGHT NOW AND COMPLETELY AWARE OF IT. Dx Like...WTF?!?!?!? 
I just sat there..didn't know what to say.. I had been crying for well over an hour, because the pain was too much.. but also because I felt hurt by the way he kept trying to guilt me into cancelling my plans.. I had ended up calling the office and getting the rest of the night off, I couldn't be answering calls while crying. Not sure it would be too um.. good, it's like "hi, thanks for calling emergency help line how can i assist you *bawls in your ears*" it's like the operator needs just as much help as the person who's stranded and calling for help.. uh..no. so I took the rest of the night off.
For a good while, I couldn't tell if I was crying because the pain I was feeling with the way he was talking to me hurt too much or if it was because of the pain in my shoulder and back.. I've decided it was 50/50. The hurt and the pain. 
I honestly didn't know what to say to him anymore.. and I told him that. I went on to explain how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. And why I was busy now during the weekdays, and how the way he was going on was making me feel guilty. Yes, guilty because I was feeling that my reasons for being busy during the week, to exercise, were selfish. Because you know, it's *just* to exercise, isn't that selfish, shouldn't I be able to skip one day to go out so he can talk and get things off his chest? But at the same time, that exercise is what's been keeping me from staying in a depressed state. And I'm scared of falling back down..and what if I can't get up again? 

Again, while I was writing to him, he was like.. brushing me off.. "no it's fine.. i don't want to talk about this anymore" uh.. do you think I just "dropped it" and erased what I had been writing? uh. no. I needed to get this off my chest. and whether or not I should've justified my reasons for being busy, for me, I had to. Because I needed him to see why I wasn't budging on it. 

So, ya, we ended up working things out.. we never really found a time to go watch that movie and I'm not sure if he's 100% or even if we're 100% and maybe I am being selfish, but I'm doing it to up my morale, so it can't be all that bad.

I'm honestly SO thankful I have my therapy session later today (Sunday), because there's so much I need to cover.. I feeling so stressed it's not even funny.. and now with my back.. I don't even know if I can still exercise.. I needed a doctor's note.. so I went to the clinic on Saturday and got pain meds and anti-inflammatory meds.. and if it's not going any better.. then I have to go back for x-rays (the x-ray dept was closed by the time they saw me yesterday)..and I might have to do physio if there's something really wrong.. but I was told it might just be a sprain, so it might go away on its own. I might still be able to do yoga, as it's not anything strenuous. I'm just worried, because if I have to stop for the time being.. what's going to keep me from feeling like shit and being depressed and feeling like I'll be this big fat beached whale for the rest of my life.. I feel like I'm this big bubble of emotional unrest, about to burst into tears at the smallest nudge. 

here and there..

Looong time since I've posted! I am still alive, albeit not very consistent.
I'm going through another (almost) plague rat phase.. "almost" because I've had everything BUT the fever and deliriousness. Still, I don't recognize my voice anymore o~o not fun!
My new "diet" consists of chicken noodle soup and tea. Yum! As they say, you should get plenty of liquids and rest. The liquids I've got covered, the rest is another story.. I've been trying to get lots of rest but keep getting woken up by the urge to cough or er.. hork *bleh* 
A few asthma attacks later, I'm still here!! YAY!!

I went to T.O for Easter weekend and caught someone's bug on the way back -_- not cool. Especially because I won't be able to head up to Matane for my annual visit next weekend as this bug doesn't seem to be going away. Le pooey! Main reason I go up is to visit my grandmouman, but if I'm sick I can't go see her, 'cause I don't want to risk getting her sick. So, I'm having to re-arrange my plans a bit, to go up at a later date. 

fell off the bandwagon, then jumped back on!

October's been like.. all over the place. Not necessarily bad, but not necessarily good either. Had a momentary fall-out with my healthy eating/exercising. I know I've gained some weight, give or take 6ish lbs. I haven't reached my next weigh-in so nothing's set in stone quite yet, we'll see the verdict come Saturday. 

I don't know what I was going through exactly.. it was like I was challenging myself to gain weight... if that makes any sense.. like, I had the mentality of, or rather to quote what I said in a past post "I feel like I'm in a race with myself in how long it'll take to gain it all back..." It wasn't that I REALLY wanted to gain my weight back, it's weird.. it's like I was in a funk and I was binging. Weird because I've never really felt like that before.. that I HAVE to eat, even when I'm not hungry. 
I mean sure, I've had moments in my life where I craved ice cream and would just eat a whole pint, but that was back when I wasn't paying any attention to my weight. 

I don't know, but for October, I do know I had a lot of shit on my plate (figure of speech obviously). I stopped eating regularly, stopped eating healthy, started eating out more (which I can't really afford), and completely stopped all my exercises. Like, even the my two 10 mins breaks, where I'd normally do crunches, I stopped that altogether. -_- Definitely NOT good. 

But I decided, that I'd stop this shit. One of my friends added me as a friend on myfitnesspal (the website I've been using since May..which I lagged from using in October Dx), it kind of gave me a boost to get back on track. I had been thinking about it, but that was like, the kick in the arse that I needed (thanks Char! =3) 

Anywho, I was reading one of the updates she had.. and there was something from a post in the community forum, which I've never actually ventured on. Weird right? Me, queen of sidetracking, didn't venture off in there. But I did.. and the post was in the forum thread for the 30 day shred (Jillian Michaels). O.O Ooooo something to get me back on track! Sa-weeet! 

I needed weights for Level 1, so I decided I'd start my exercises come Monday as I was going to Can. Tire over the weekend with my peamate, so I could stock up then. 

Eventful weekend. Went out all day with my peamate, then out again on Sunday to a Toy Con and off to a mopcue (Taken 2). Lots of walking, good exercise.

Took me a while to get my butt up and at 'em yesterday (Monday). The best place for my workouts, is in my living room as there's SO much space..but I have no curtains and I get really self conscious. Hell, even with curtains, I think I'd still get self conscious. But I pressed on! I turned my lappy in a way that I wouldn't be facing my patio, so I could concentrate on things other than the outdoors and my neighbours. 

The 30 Day Shred is a good 20mins (maybe 25ish) workout. Warm ups and exercises included. It definitely takes a lot out of you. Once I was done, I didn't want to just leave it at that.. so off I went, onto the treadmill for 53mins walking at 3.6mph. Listening to my fav album helped the time pass by. 

I didn't feel it yesterday, but today...sweet mother of peal! I can tell you...my legs ooooooh my legs. THEY HUUUURT D= OH.SO.BAD. 
I can lift my knee to my chest just fine.. it's the sitting down or having to bend down *wimpers*

Going down stairs is usually a breeze, but today, it hurt more than going up stairs. ;_; I think, the walking so fast after such a vigorous workout...may not have been such a good idea on my part. T-T

Still, I am determined! My pain is not enough to get me down. I'm toughing out Level 1 for 10 days and then swapping over to Level 2 for another 10 day and then onto Level 3 for the last 10 days. Rinse repeat. 
After I finished my workout today, so dead *_* but I feel good, because I persevered! Have not given up! And will keep on going! 

*is all proud of self*

ne?

Seems I'm always writing when I feel like shit... really wish I'd change that.. but here I am again, and I guess to some extent this helps to relieve the turmoil within me..

I've been struggling with myself for the past week.. another stoopid choice, another stoopid outcome... forced to make a decision I didn't feel ready to take. ugh. Is that what's bothering me? Somewhat, I'm sure.

But forget that for now.. what else is eating me away? Or more importantly, what am I eating away at? Anything and everything I can get my hands on.. pathetic, really. How hard have I worked to lose weight? And now I feel like I'm in a race with myself in how long it'll take to gain it all back... Ok, I don't reeeally want to gain it back. Not really. Just hitting a low hasn't helped.. and then my bestie hates me.. that never helps, right?

I'm upset at myself, with myself.. I had SO much I wanted to do today. Had to do.
haha guess someone somewhere is trying to relieve me of my stress.. I was starting to say that I had So much stuff I had to do today, but that now I was scared of going out and actually doing any of it.. because I was scared I'd miss my ups package..and just as I was about to write that.. I got a call, door code.. guess who? UPS no less. So, it's noon and I'm now freeee to do what I must! Yipee!!

Definitely helped to relieve some stress... now I can go and start what I needed to do.. part of my day is gone but I can work with what I have left. 

just thoughts...

It's been so long, but I was finally able to see and talk to my Sweetnuthings last week. I felt all warm and fuzzy, it's crazy how I missed her ♥ 

We talked a lot, got to see Olly & Po too, definitely been long since I cammed with them all. But so fun ^-^
Talked a bit later, about other stuff, just her and I.. I'll put the convo below:


Sweetnuthings: What has my Lidibiddie been up to?! Tell me urrythang 'bout your life. Any love interests?
bug: no love interests
bug: yet..
Sweetnuthings: YET? Is there someone you have in mind?
bug: not sure.. if i trust myself to branch out..
bug: like.. i'm scared to get wrapped up too fast (like i did with the last guy i had been talking to.. the one who was all like "are you ever more feminine......")
Sweetnuthings: UGH. THAT GUY.
Sweetnuthings: Well the very fact that you are scared means that you are more aware.
Sweetnuthings: Thus your douche radar will be hypersensative.
bug: true

So um ya.. my everything is sensitive. I've been talking to someone for a little over a week, he's super nice and all. But I'm keeping my emotions at bay, like I refuse to let myself think about the possibility of anything with him. Not that he seems to be someone to be wary of, just because I keep telling myself that I'm not ready and I don't want to latch on and get overly attached  I'm definitely being lead by my fears... not sure how I feel about that. I know it's good in one sense, because it's keeping me from allowing myself to blindly lose my thoughts or reason. But it's scary too, because I ask myself, will I ever not be scared anymore? Is it fine if I just push people away? Or is that a form of running away from my problems as well?
For now, we're slowly getting to know each other as friends. I'm enjoying the slowness of things. 

food for thought

Browsing on fb, a friend posted this. It's thought provoking and well said. Most definitely worth a read, and I want to keep it close. Somewhere I'll be able to find it when I need that helpful reminder.

"Starting today, give up…

If you want to fly and move on to better things, you have to give up the things that weigh you down – which is not always as obvious and easy as it sounds.

Starting today, give up…

Letting the opinions of others control your life. – People know your name,not your story . They’ve heard what you’ve done, but not what you’ve been through. So take their opinions of you with a grain of salt. In the end, it’s not what others think, it’s what you think about yourself that counts. Sometimes you have to do exactly what’s best for you and your life, not what’s best for everyone else.

The shame of past failures. – You will fail sometimes, and that’s okay. The faster you accept this, the faster you can get on with being brilliant. Your past does not equal your future. Just because you failed yesterday; or all day today; or a moment ago; or for the last six months; or for the last sixteen years, doesn’t have any impact on the current moment. All that matters is what you do right now. 

Being indecisive about what you want. – You will never leave where you are until you decide where you would rather be. It’s all about finding and pursuing your passion. Neglecting passion blocks creative flow. When you’re passionate, you’re energized. Likewise, when you lack passion, your energy is low and unproductive. Energy is everything when it comes to being successful. Make a decision to figure out what you want, and then pursue it passionately.

Procrastinating on the goals that matter to you. – There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them. Follow your intuition. Don’t give up trying to do what you really want to do. When there is love and inspiration, you can’t go wrong. And whatever it is you want to do, do it now. There are only so many tomorrows. Trust me, in a year from now, you will wish you had started today.

Choosing to do nothing. – You don’t get to choose how you are going to die, or when. You can only decide how you are going to live, right now. Every day is a new chance to choose. Choose to change your perspective. Choose to flip the switch in your mind from negative to positive. Choose to turn on the light and stop fretting about with insecurity and doubt. Choose to do work that you are proud of. Choose to see the best in others, and to show your best to others. Choose to truly LIVE, right now.

Your need to be right. – If you keep on saying you’re right, even if you are right now, eventually you will be wrong. Aim for success, but never give up your right to be wrong. Because when you do, you will also lose your ability to learn new things and move forward with your life. 

Running from problems that should be fixed. – We make life harder than it has to be. The difficulties started when… conversations became texting, feelings became subliminal, sex became a game, the word ‘love’ fell out of context, trust faded as honesty waned, insecurities became a way of living, jealously became a habit, being hurt started to feel natural, and running away from it all became our solution. Stop running! Face these issues, fix the problems, communicate, appreciate, forgive and LOVE the people in your life who deserve it.

Making excuses rather than decisions. – Life is a continuous exercise in creative problem solving. A mistake doesn’t become a failure until you refuse to correct it. Thus, most long-term failures are the outcome of people who make excuses instead of decisions.

Overlooking the positive points in your life. – What you see often depends entirely on what you’re looking for. Do your best and surrender the rest. When you stay stuck in regret of the life you think you should have had, you end up missing the beauty of what you do have. You will have a hard time ever being happy if you aren’t thankful for the good things in your life right now. 

Not appreciating the present moment. – We do not remember days, we remember moments. Too often we try to accomplish something big without realizing that the greatest part of life is made up of the little things. Live authentically and cherish each precious moment of your journey. Because when you finally arrive at your desired destination, I guarantee you, another journey will begin. 

By Marc and Angel VIA POSITIVE THOUGHTS"

I hate this feeling.

the feeling of shit. and of feeling stressed but not knowing what to do. and i want to talk to someone, but that someone is nowhere to be found. it's like... when you're not in need, you've got people all around you and then when you really need to talk to someone to help you decompress, that person isn't around. 
and it'd be great to talk to a sperting therapist, only i don't have one yet and that's one of the reasons i'm stressing right now. because the place i could've gotten help from, i can't because of my work schedule and the only person i could get something with isn't covered by my insurance.. lovely insurance at that. covers me 100% for shit i'd never use, but when it comes to something i need... nope sorry, we don't cover that. it has to specifically be "this" and we only cover up to 60%.. -_- well, gee... thanks.. i wonder when in this lifetime i'll ever use an acupuncturist, especially since i loathe needles! but whatever.

so, now i'm doing the run around.. trying to find a therapist that i can afford (there's the key word), who speaks proper English (so i can express myself fully without getting a lost look on their part) and i'm getting drained in the process. and stressed.. and just ugh. 
i'm just.. super frustrated right now. and tired. really really tired. wish it would all just freakin' end. -_-
and i need to go register so i can vote. ugh. and i want to cancel for the movie tomorrow but feel that i can't because drago bought the tickets already.. but i feel like i'm getting pushed into a friendship. like ya, i get p's your best friend too but i feel like he's being pushed onto me.. so that we have to spend time together and we have to go do everything together.. like.. ask me first? idk. i understand he wants his two best friends to get along, i do. and i have nothing against p.. but i don't know.. just like how he doesn't like meeting new people or rather finds it stressful to meet new people or to be surrounded by all these new people.. i think he forgets that i'm the same? like idk.. give me time? i don't like feeling like i'm being pushed and have no choice but to head in one specific direction. i'm feeling overwhelmed with everything and now to top it off.. i can't even talk with him on our mopcue days 'cause we'll be with someone else. it's stifling. 
but i feel like if i say something, i'll just be pushed aside. because p's here now, right? and if he's got p and i'm not in the picture, well.. what good am i for anyways, right? he'll just start seeing me less and spending less time with me and more with p.. and i'll get replaced.. right? 
or are those just my fears speaking out? is that me being selfish? am i entitled to feel what or how i'm feeling? can i take my time in forming a friendship or is the only way to make everyone happy, to get pushed into one? 
i could really use a talk right now.. or hell, even just a hug or a smile or anything really.. it doesn't even have to be him.. i could really use my sweetnuthings right about now. she always helps to cheer me up... but i barely hear from her anymore T-T

i guess it's not as bad as i might make it out to be. at the therapy place, even though they can't help me,  the lady i spoke with was very helpful and has told me if there's anything else she can do, to contact her again.. she's given me links so that i can find someone and given me tips on what to look for, for my specific needs. and given me two other centres that have sliding fee scales, albeit at two extremities (one in laval and one near beaudry), but it's still somewhere to start. 
guess i'm just feeling down and out of it 'cause now i have to start over from scratch.. the stress that i had gotten rid of when i had finally booked my first appt., after having to cancel and now start from the bottom again.. that stress has come back in hoards and in full stride. i'm feeling drained. that and the fact that i was looking everywhere for him so that we could talk but he was nowhere to be found.. so i texted him and he's with p.. and i'm feeling like he'll be with him alldayeveryday and then even on days that are kind of "our" days out.. p'll be there too.. so there are no more justthetwoofus days out anymore.. is that dependency? is the feeling that you're being pushed aside part of that too? he spent the day with p on sat., is out with p today, p's coming tomorrow (didn't bother to ask me how i felt about it, just something he decided on his own. sure fine, i didn't make a whole stink out of it, i didn't protest or stomp my foot and just said it sounded fine.. but it's bothering me a lot more than i thought it would.. especially right now, that i could use to talk to him, but obviously he's not around nor will he be around tomorrow. like, i'll go.. but won't even be able to talk to him..)
i'm seriously feeling stifled right now.. like this mix of emotions and stress and just everything all rolled into one and i'm just like D8 *keels over* 

maybe food would help... clear up this dizzyness.. i haven't eaten since this morning.. that can't possibly be good... 
i'm just ugh.

So tired =_=

I was feeling a bit down today.. just a mixture of everything rolled into one. ugh. I hate feeling like that... Stressed, frustrated, incapable of doing anything about it, it makes me tired and almost depressed. 
I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. Weird right? Usually after vacation I'm ready to jump back into the swing of things, so to speak. But now, I just feel drained. It's a sign. I don't love my job anymore.. anywho, talking to my bestie helped some, but I will still feeling blah. Hadn't eaten, which probably wasn't helping..I had been debating eating or just going back to sleep, when my bestie mentioned baking.. and I was like, *ding!* I has ripe bananers that need to be made into something.. I started looking for recipes for banana stuff.. L'il Drago (my bestie) LOVES my banana bread, but I didn't really feel like making it.. then I came across a zucchini banana recipe and I was "sold!" so to speak =D I knew if I'd go to sleep, I'd never get to turning ze bananas into something nummy and they'd probably go horribly bad and have to get chucked yet again. So, I forced myself to get up, and started prepping and one thing led to another.. I made 2 recipes, which can be found on my other blog, Zucchini-Banana Bread & Choco Espresso Banana Bread. Nom nom nom *drools*

I love what baking does to me. I'm sure I'm mentioned it before, but as mah bestie says, I'm senile.. so I'll just keep on repeating meself forever and ever mwahahaha It completely soothes me, relaxes me, cheers me up and I ended up have loads of fun! 
I'm all proud of myself, I did some modifying with the choco espresso recipe, nothing big or fancy, but it's still a lot for me. I usually never even think to modify things, or I get super unsure of things and scared so I back out of it. Totally always second guessing myself. It's pretty frustrating. But I didn't do that today, I just did it, without giving it much thought. I was like, oooh this substitution looks good (for the zucchini-banana recipe, I followed a substitution for some ingredients that someone added in a  comment). So I was like, "hmm, I want to use honey in this one too.. and then looked up how much I should use in substitution for brown sugar and played with that..and then I was like, darn need milk.. don't have any..what could I put? ooooh I have almond "milk" and there we go =D" So, ya, I'm all proud of meself for being able to substitute stuff and kind of recreate/modify a recipe. 

I was really tired at the beginning of this blog entry, as I had eaten some of the choco espresso banana bread... coffee/espresso/energy drinks.. they all make me sleepy or knock me right out if I'm exhausted. But I've been writing for a while now, taking breaks every so often, as I was texting with my bestie, so ya, I'm still tired just not as much as before 'cause it's kind of woken me up a bit *nods*

We're swapping our movie night mondays to Tuesday afternoons.. at least while lil' Drago is off from work (to work on his portfolio). It actually helps me a lot, I was feeling really tired this weekend, as though I wasn't going to get any "me" time.. and he suggested this and I was like "hell yea!!" it works for me, because I'm usually up early on Tuesdays even though I work at night as it's the 1st of my 4 day shift so I'm still in the groove of sleeping nights. At least now I'll have a purpose in being up early and I can sleep when I get home for a bit before my shift starts. 
But it totes gave me today as a day for myself. I didn't expect for my day to start so rough and low, but it picked up and I'm really glad about that. 

I'll be starting my therapy sessions this coming Saturday, I'm eager for it. A bit worried that I won't know what to say.. but I remember having the same thoughts when I was scheduled to see a social worker back when my dad was in palliative care, and then I just rambled away.. which I have an inkling is what may happen this time around too. Only one way to find out, that's to go to mah session. 

Okaeri

Just something to do for fun =)

Rules
1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. For each question, press the "next" button to get an answer
3.You have to write the name of the song (without the artist's name), no matter how stupid it sounds.


1. If someone tells you "it's alright", you say:
Donde Voy

2. What do you like in the opposite sex?
Appunti e Note

3. What best describes your personality?
Cry For The Moon

4. How do you feel right now?
Words I Never Said

5. What's the point of your life?
Never Too Late

6. What is your dilemma? 
Holy Night

7. What do your friends think about you?
Piece of Heaven

8. What is the most on your mind?
How Did I Fall In Love With You

9. How much is 2+2?
It Has To Be You

10. What do you think of your best friend?
Just Please

11. What does your bf/gf think of you?
Stay Forever

12. What do you think about the one you love?
Party Rock Anthem

13. What is the irony in your life?
Spring Breeze

14. What would you like to be later on?
Because of You

15. What do you think about the one you love, when you see him/her?
Stand

16. What do your parents think of you?
Emily

17. What song will you dance to on your wedding day?
You Got What I Need

18. What song will play at your funeral?
La Fée

19. What is your hobbie?
Piu Bella Cosa

20. What is you biggest secret?
Fullmoon

21. Who has hurt you?
Pidä Kädestä

22. What do you think about your friends?
Koe Wo Kikasete 

23. How are you in bed?
One Time [hahahahaha]

24. Are you going to have kids?
Moonlight Punch Romance

25. Are you in love?
You Got Growing Up To Do

26. The last time you cried, what was the reason behind it?
Monster

27. How are you going to die?
She's Crazy

28. What is the thing you are never going to regret?
Everlasting Friend

29. The one thing you will regret?
Poison

30. What makes you laugh?
Wait A Long Time

31. What makes you cry?
I Love You

32. Would you ever get married?
Crazy

33. What are you scared of?
Roly Poly

34. Does someone like you?
Analyse

35. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
Nije Vise Tvoja Stvar

36. What reminds you of the one you love?
Winter's Child

37. Which song would you sing for him/her?
Eternal

38. Who/what is hurting you right now?
Lies

39. What is going to be the name of this post?
Okaeri

all is well ^_^

lil' Drago's op went well. I stayed with him and kept him company (even though he was drugged to the max) after the op, until his dad came and took la relève. Then I came home and crashed, but I got sidetracked as I often do and so I didn't sleep. Sandi came home and we talked and watched TV (rareness right there for me.. TV haha) until around midnight, then we both went to sleep. Yesterday his dad was able to stay until he got discharged and so was able to bring him home (which is awesome 'cause it meant he didn't have to cab it home). 
I stuck around at home, but we (Sandi & I) decided to go out for a movie.. and why only meet up later? I left with her around noon and we came home close to 11pm. Had loads of fun. Talked. My talks with Sandi are always memorable. The woman gives great advice!
We window shopped, "found" shoes for each other.. haha y'know, shoes with heels that could (would) kill us. She found (bought) some shirts and I some pants. Lawdy lawd I bought my first shorts in a looooong time! Also great news, I've lost a pant size! Woohoo!! I am now, no longer a 14, but a 12. Thank you! Thank you! *bows and curtsies*
Official weigh day is tomorrow morning.. I'm soooo excited =D 

My mouman invited us to this "vernissage". One of her friends paints, sculpts and makes jewelry and was having an exhibit at the Musé des beaux Arts boutique yesterday. So we met up with la mouman and met two other of her friends (my mouman has friends, I'm so proud of her =3), looked around and then departed to get to our movie. We watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It was really funny, you fall in love with the characters. I was laughing out loud, I cried, then laughed again, it was awersome! And yes, I was THE youngest person in the theatre.. like at least 20some years younger than some of the "younger" ones haha I had a blast =3

The note up there, about me being proud my mouman has friends.. it's not that it's weird for a parent to have friends. I guess, in a normal setting, it would be pretty normal, right? And it's not that I find it weird for my mom to have friends, it's just that I'm happy she's finally found REAL friends. Like, if any of you know my history, and what life was like with my dad, then you'd know for the longest time she had no friends.. apart from my aunt (dad's sister), because she wasn't allowed to, well.. go out (literally, at all). And the years afterwards, when she was no longer with him.. the only "friend" she had was my aunt (dad's sis), who isn't the best of friends. I don't know if she treats every one of her friends the same or if she's just that way with my mom, but it's not a healthy relationship. You don't degrade your real friends to allow yourself to step up onto a pedestal, so you can feel good about yourself and your life, while your friend feels like crap and as though they've come up short as a parent. -_- My mom had some other friends, from the church she went to.. and while I guess they were nice, they're the type of people that only come to you when they're in need. They want your help, they need your help.. but when you're in need, they're nowhere to be found. So, ya, friends that are only there when they need you but not the other way around isn't a real friend in my books. And it seemed like those were the only types of people that were hanging around my mouman. Recently, over the past few years, she's actually started to make real friends. People who will actually call her, want to see her, make time for her. So it's no longer 1-way friendships. And that's why I'm proud my mouman has friends. Real friends. People she can go out with and have fun with and they're there for each other during good and bad times. 
My sister's complained about it a few times. Like "mom's out with her friends again" and "at her age, what does she need to go out so much for" *jaw drops open in shock and horror* It's not like she's running around in bars and clubs, flirting like a 16yr old. Good grief. She's literally going out. Bike rides, going to museums, art exhibits. She's found people she has things in common with and is doing stuff with them. It makes me happy to see her so happy and finally, for once in her life, out, having fun with real friends. *nods*

So, I was talking with Sandi about my latest "adventure" so to speak. And how, I've come to the realization that, while yes, I have made some progress in trying to change myself (making & fortifying my backbone) in areas I was lacking.. some things while I thought had gotten better (aka affection dependency), instead seem to have gotten worse. Like that thing I was saying earlier (maybe a post or so ago) about feeling as though I took one step forward and 5 steps back. So I was saying how I've decided to actually get help from the outside (social worker/therapist/psychologist). She was telling me how it was great, because while you think things.. They're only that. Thoughts. You need to change things, but find out why things are the way they are, find the root of the problems to be able to work at them and solve them. And while having friends and family around to give me advice, while that is good, you need to have help from someone who's educated in the field. And she was saying that finding someone who's right for me, in the sense of that outside help, will be much like how it was when I was trying on pants. I may find some that fit, but I may not love them, because they're not right for me and for my needs. So if after one session, it doesn't feel right (or even after a consultation) to not give up, but rather look for someone who's got the right specialization. Because while one might be great for couples having relationship issues, they might not be so great with helping someone deal with a past that was lacking.

Oh and we were looking up this columnist that she reads in the paper back home. Carolyn Hax. Very good info there. Things that hit close to home. I was reading some with her.. and you have people who right in, and she's answer them and give them advice, etc. and I was reading one guy's post and I was like "holy crap, that describes me to a T" but like.. when I'm in a relationship I don't see it, I only see it when the relationship has ended. And it's much like Drago was telling me.. if the same thing happened to him, I would be the first to tell him not to do it or to show him how it was a bad situation.. but when he's telling me the same thing.. I'm incapable of seeing it. Like, blind much? I see it now.. but it's been a while, y'know? It takes time for me to get level-headed. 

And then we looked up something else she had been talking to me about.. Maslow's hierarchy. It's a theory in psychology about the pyramid of needs of a person. Those towards the bottom having the most importance, and when you lack them, then it's hard to, I guess, go up the pyramid. Like you still do, but there will be things that you lack.

I'll post the image found on wiki:

So, we were reading up on it (you can read up on it too, if you're interested *nods* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs) 
And ya, I acknowledge there's a lack in my "safety" level, because of my childhood, which unfortunately sticks with me through the rest -__-
But something jumped out at me.. in the next section of Love and Belonging. 
"After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs are interpersonal and involve feelings of belongingness. The need is especially strong in childhood and can over-ride the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents." It was the clinging part. It's like it was an eye opener.. I remember as a kid, that ya, I was always affectionate towards people but more so towards my dad. Like LOADS more as opposed to towards anyone else,even my mom. I couldn't have explained why. I know it's what made me his "favourite" (and I know how people say that parents don't have favourites.. but you'd say differently if you had met my dad). Did I cling to him so much because of the lack of acceptance I felt from him? 
And the situation repeats itself.. because looking back to the relationships I've had.. whenever things seemed to be going horribly wrong, that's when I clinged the hardest. I'm sure it's suffocating to others. Because it's suffocating for me in different ways. Not that I realize so much that I'm clinging, but I do notice the change in me. And the blaming commences, why am I acting this way? What is wrong with me? Because god forbid that the problem not lie within me, but in the other person. I don't ever allow myself to think that. There are only a few key times where I've been able to come to my senses, because I had noticed something was wrong and had sought out external help and had seen the situation under a different light. Where I tried to work things out with the other person, and after the other person acknowledging that there was in fact a problem (but never tried to resolve it, even after saying he'd try), only then did I allow myself to say... "maybe it's not just me". 

Definitely, some form of therapy will be useful and is needed. I've come to terms with that. And not doing anything about it will only stunt my growth, I don't want that. I only want what's best for me.

It brings back what I was talking to Sylvie about last week. She was telling me again to not look for someone. She always tells me that, and I know she says it for me, because it's true and I need to hear it.. and she was telling me how she was looking and neither was her bf at the time and they found each other and they're happy and ya I was feeling kind of bitter because I was in a mood that night (mainly because of the idiot I had talked to moments earlier on the phone.. for work.. anyways I digress). So I answered kind of rough, because at first I felt as though she was accusing me of having been searching and that's why it wasn't meant to be, and I hadn't been so I was a tad miffed. But as I was writing my feelings came out and I came to the realization that I can't do this alone anymore, y'know?
anywho, this is what I said:
"i wasn't looking for lucio either and he found me. but it wasn't the right guy and i don't trust me anymore. so no, i'm not looking anymore. and i'm going to work on me and only me. and find a shrink to go to and see if maybe somehow whatever the fuck is wrong with me can be fixed so i can live a peaceful life without being overly dependant on the affection of someone. and so that my self confidence, self esteem and self worth can improve."

And it all just ties in together. The fears that I've had since I was a teen.. y'know.. about them saying you'll marry someone like your dad.. the fears I've had when in bad relationships, the doubting that I wasn't really loved, clinging to affection. It's all related and just "forgetting" about the past, doesn't actually make it go away. Trust me, I've tried for SO many years. Thinking that if I didn't think of something it would make the problems disappear. But if I think about it, if I keep it fresh in my mind, it'll always stay there to haunt me and follow me around. So, I would not think about the past, burying it deep within. But does it ever just vanish? No. It doesn't. It stays in your self conscious and while you're not thinking of it, the fears still build. That something's not quite right. That there's something missing. Now while it may just be in your relationship, it can also be due to your past. 
So therapy... HERE I COME!!! Because trying to solve it on my own just isn't working out the way I had planned.

OKies.. I'm off for now.. 

so much fuurrrrrr Dx

I can't belieeeve how much fur has accumulated in under 1 week. I'm starting to think I should shave Kayla >8D naah she's tooo cute. Not to mention I'd come out with battle scars.. ya, shaving.. no bueno. 
Finishing off the guest room now (yes, yes me taketh break *nods*), then have to make a run to the post office (for the 3rd time this week), detour to can. tire, back home to re-organize crap, buy groceries, make nummy nums (unsure what yet..) all before 9pm for work.


Sandi comes tonight =D I haven't seen her since like the summer of '09.. she used to come every year, since before I was born. Didn't come in '10 because her car repairs were too costly.. a few months later they discovered a brain tumor.. it's been crazy for the past two years. =( really scary. She's doing a bit better now, though her immune system is barely existent. So things must be spic and span for when she gets here. *nods* Wouldn't want her to get sick while here. nope nope.


So, ya. Her plane gets here around 1am, meaning she'll probably get here around 2am latest. Depends how long it takes to pick up her luggage. It's like super well timed, I specifically took these 2 weeks off for lil' Drago's operation and now Sandi's coming, same time =D mwahahaha Last time she came, I had to work, so I barely saw her. So I'm reeeeealllyyy eager! 


Anyhoo.. can you tell I'm happy she's coming? 


On a side note.. I still have to prepare for lil' Drago's op. Not so much for the op itself, mainly the recovery time. I'm making him loads of noms he can freeze, 'cause he's not supposed to be up and moving around after the op. 
I'm going with him to the hospital but it's unsure (still) if his dad'll still be here to bring him home or if I have to go bring him back. I have no problems bringing him back, afterall, that's what was originally planned. But his dad's actually coming up for support, and if he can give him a lift home afterwards it'd be more convenient than having to cab it back. *nods*




Alrighty enough blabbing, time to get back to work. 


toodles ~ bugs

blah

Kelvin posted a link today, and it's totally what I needed to see. =3 


I was talking with Sylvie last night.. and god I swear she knows me through and through, probably better than I know myself.. just like Raine. We were talking about dépendance affective, because well hell, who am I kidding.. I'm an affection suckle monster Dx good grief. What with my last frenzied, stressful outburst, if there were any doubts or thoughts that I was heading on the right track.. >.> they've disappeared into thin air. -_-


She was saying "it's the pattern you learned from your mom, from when you were a little girl...and also, you open your heart too fast so people can step on it as they wish...you don't want to displease anybody so you end up being hurt....." what was I saying about her knowing me better than I know myself. Ya, I know the above to be true, why did the reason "why" never come to me though? The only thing that would come to mind, is that I'm not one to start blaming others, like if anyone's going to have any blame put on them.. it'll most probably be me. Because I'm not up to par, I'm not good enough, I'm lacking.. me me me. oy vay.  I think having Sandi here is going to do me some good, she'll talk some sense into me. Vacation! Vacation is definitely going to help too. But I'm not running from the problem anymore. Not so much that I've been "running" from it until now, it was more along the lines of "I don't need outside help, I can do this on my own". And while "working on myself by myself" has had good stuff come from it, the fact that I can revert back to needing affection, the fact that I'd open myself up to being hurt again..and it's not even just by others, I'm hurting myself (figuratively speaking.. emotionally, not physically). I'm just at my wits end. I feel like I took one step forward and five steps back. God I'm so frustrated with myself, it's not even funny.


"Life is about creating yourself.. and recreating and destroying (tho not self-destruction) and creating again, then recreating.." it's a constant cycle and I'm going back to the drawing board, with a massive eraser in tow. 


Only, this time.. I'm going for the "outside" help. I've reached a point where, I don't know what I can do to "make things better". Writing my "therapy" blog, where I was just writing out things from my past, thinking if I got it out of my head, I could look back on it, figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong, fix it and move on.. doesn't seem to have done much, if anything. Guess it's not the same as talking to a social worker, like the one I was able to see when papa was in palliative care.. That had actually helped, even if it was only for a short while. She was the one who recommended doing other stuff to get my mind off of things.. it was around then that I found asian dramas, she was like, if it works, keep at it.  
I was talking to my sup. yesterday, he was concerned because of how I was the night before (didn't work Tuesday night.. this girl *points at self* was un paquet of uncontrollable crying -_-). We had a good talk. It's not "nice" but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who goes through shit like this. He used to have to be surrounded by people to feel right, to feel at ease with himself. He was (pretty much like N.) unable to say "no" to people. He was able to work on himself, by himself, by first isolating himself completely and then gradually coming out and really asking himself if he wanted something, like really wanted it. For his pleasure, not that of others. While not exactly the same issue, he gave me some pointers. He's gonna check some stuff out for me too. Like that aide aux employés thing, and there's another one he's going to look into. 
He was like.. what he found helped him, was making a list of what he wanted for him. He's like, much like how you made a list of what you want in a guy, make a list of the faults you have and make a list of what you want to be. Then work on that list. 


Sylvie says she used to be dépendante affective (much like Raine used to be dépendant affectif), so they know what they're talking about. Poor Raine, he gets so frustrated with me, when he sees me constantly falling into the same loop. ;_; Anyways, Sylvie says it might be good to see un psychologue, but that she saw une travailleuse sociale, which offered the same thing, only cost A LOT less. She says I could either go to my local CLSC, though I'd be put on an indefinite waiting list, or do what she did, and just go to the centre des femmes. I'm going to look through my options, as well as the info Seb's gathering for me and pick something. Hopefully with someone who speaks English. It'll be easier to get things off my chest that way. 
I feel like.. I've emotionally burnt out. Mental burnout Dx Not to the point where I'm déprimé, because I refuse to let myself get into a rut. I'm doing stuff to keep me busy, but at the same time, my head feels like it's about to explode. God I feel so drained. =_=

god I'm such...

an idiot. Talk about jumping to conclusions. I've been replaying our last convo, trying to figure out if it could mean anything else.. did I jump to conclusions or are appearances that important to him? does he not want me because i wouldn't be "presentable" to others. and i keep shooting that down, because i don't believe he's like that. i don't want to believe that that could be true. but he hasn't replied to me... not since then.. or is it 'cuz it's "my turn".. haha ugh. 


you'd think if i made the right decision, i'd be able to move on.. but why am i still hurting? how much longer and i going to continue breaking down in tears?
i've been trying to "drown" myself, so to speak in kdramas.. kind of like i was doing around the time my dad was in the hospital or even after my last breakup. because it distracts me.. it keeps my mind off of things. except it's not working this time.. i'm being reminded of him everywhere. everything reminds me of him. 
i went out with my lil' Drago yesterday and that seemed to help... but as soon as I was alone again.god.  back to square one.


why did i let myself get so upset, why didn't i leave him time to explain, or say.. something.. anything. 
i was looking back at our texts.. where i asked him if there was a chance i'd be able to see him again and he said it should be possible. why would he say that, if he didn't like me? or if not wearing make up would be a deal breaker? 
and i was thinking about it later... ya, i don't wear makeup usually.. but i've worn it when i go out with Caro.. or i've worn some for weddings. usually just lipstick, if anything else, my friends help me apply it, 'cause i don't know where to start. 

i've been trying to figure out if there's anything i can do. is it too late, do i just force myself to forget him? how much longer do i stay with this lingering shitty feeling. god it hurts. 


i went out with my Kishki (sis) today, begrudgingly.. she nearly had to drag me out. i sooo didn't want to go out today, let alone talk about this. but we did go out, walking le mouton. talking.. i'm a blubbering idiot. god. she confirmed what i was thinking.. the jumping to conclusions and rudely not letting him really speak. i wanted to know if it was too late to apologize and explain myself. 
she didn't think so. said i should calm down first.. then send him a message. 
she said i should explaining how i used to dress up, but because of my weight i had let loose but now found that as i was getting skinnier i thought i ought to be able to take care of myself more, dressing nicer and wearing makeup, etc. and to tell him, it was thanks to him that i had come to that conclusion and was doing for myself and not for him, but to thank him for allowing me to realize that.
and she was saying how i should actually go out, buy new clothes, wear nicer stuff. i know she means well, but that actually does feel like i'd be selling myself out to be something i'm not. i don't mind having some nice clothes, in case i have to go out, but to change my whole wardrobe? o.O


i wrote to him... but i didn't write what she suggested. because it wouldn't be true. when did i ever "take care of myself" in the way she was suggesting? i was a tomboy ever since i wasn't forced to wear my sister's hand-me-downs anymore. i remember i put up a fight when my mom, my friend's mom and friends nearly had to pin me down to put me in a dress and make up for my prom. 
it took me forever to start to find myself, to start liking cute things, to start dressing cuter.. i think in that aspect, i might still be changing. (frak, my first skirt & skort that i bought myself was last summer. that was some "girlyness" for you and that was a first in a loooong time.) i didn't "give up hope" on myself because i was fat. i never really thought of it.. is that the way she saw it? is that how it appears to others? 
but how can i tell him something that i don't believe to be true. i don't believe lies belong in a relationship or friendship or anything really. if you can't be honest with someone, what can you be? if you start with one lie, then you'd need another to cover up.. when does that cycle end? do i want to live my life on lies or truths? so i decided to go with the truth, however bare that leaves me. 


i admit, i'm not crazy about make up. i'm ok with wearing it for special occasions, but not on the daily because i like my natural lip colour.. i don't like how lipstick dyes your lips (usually prefer to wear lip gloss)... and my eyes are already super sensitive, that's why i don't like eyeliner/mascara/eye shadow.. the constant fear that some shit is going to get into my eyes and then they'll flare up, like they do at mere nothingness. 


i sent him a text tonight, explaining why i reacted the way i did.. but i haven't gotten a reply. and i'm scared, y'know? scared that i've scared him off.. or scared that maybe that was really it... what i fear the most is true. and i'm so scared that he won't answer at all.. and also scared that he will. 


i tried being as honest and truthful as i could, without rambling too much (because we all know how awesome i am at rambling off topic)


"i've been thinking about what you said for the past 3 days, and i think i completely misinterpreted. God i feel like such and idiot. i just felt so hurt, because i thought you were telling me you wanted someone more feminine... like someone who can do different hairstyles and wears make up regularly. i'm just, faaak i lack self-confidence. i'm not used to being a girly-girl or getting super nicely dressed up unless i'm going to a wedding or something. i don't have a problem getting a haircut or dying my hair or wearing makeup for something special. it's just every day wearing make up isn't my thing. and i thought that's what you liked, the every day thing. i've only started to be more self-confident in myself recently, like since i started taking better care of my health. and i just assumed the worse, je croyais que je t'avais decu..that you found me nice but that i just wasn't enough. i'm sorry i was rude"
(technically i had to send 2 msgs 'cuz i ran out of writing space)
"i miss talking to you, i really do like you, but i understand if i've messed up my chances with you and i'm sorry if i hurt you"


god. i really feel like i messed up.. you'd think, after having been hurt so many times, i'd learn from experience and not jump to conclusions so as to not hurt someone i care about.. yet instead i went on the defence and did just the opposite. 


and i realise it might be too late, and i may have very well lost an awesome guy.. and that just tears me up. but not as much as thinking i might have hurt him. ;_; i'm such an idiot.

first in a long while

I went on a date today, with a guy I've been talking to all week. Like constantly, it's fun talking with him and though I got really nervous for today, it went by really well. And I was feeling great when I got home. I had so much fun. and I really like him.. he's super sweet and everything.. and we were texting when we got home.. and then he's like 



"can i say something?"


so i was like "sure"


"i liked the night and you are trully sweet and Funny.... i just wanted to know (and don't be upset please) if you are sometimes more féminine like with hairstyle or make up or i Dunno.


I do like natural woman..."


me: Not really.. I'm in dire need of a haircut tho I'll admit that.
Too natural for you?


him: well i don't want u to change your ways for me


me: Mmm


him: sorry i don't want to sound rude


me: Mmm
It is what it is, I had fun and I really like you, but if I'm not what you're looking for.. I can't do anything about that. Thanks for tonight tho  


(ya ya, stupid me who stays nice and even smiles.. while i'm crying. awesome, right?)


him: i feel bad too... i had a great time too... u are sweet and nice *buggie*.... thank you 






and that's it. nothing else. 


I thought about it.. I thought, maybe I could tell him I could come to a halfway point or something, but I really thought about it and no, I don't want to wear make up all the time. and wtf can I do with my hair apart from maybe dying it and cutting it (hairstyles etc..) and he knew I was tomboyish, what tomboy wears makeup? I love me as is. and if he can't love me as is. regardless of how it hurts, I decided to go with "It is what it is, I had fun and I really like you, but if I'm not what you're looking for.. I can't do anything about that. Thanks for tonight tho "




but still. I feel shitty, oh so shitty *forces a smile*

So I stumbled across

this today:

It's like, the story of my life! LOL ugh. 


I took a random gravity check Wednesday night, and as painful as it was, I lived to tell the tale.


As I was coming out of the place we had our condo meeting at, I hadn't noticed there was a smaaaaall step. Thinking the ground was the same level, I didn't step down.. hurt my toe, twisted my good ankle, fell took a random gravity check, managing to scrap up my knees on 2 extremities (figure that one out), my right elbow, lower palm and ze finger between middle & pinkie on right hand  D8 
'Twas very painful! Crappy pics to follow:

left knee and by far the most painful! there's a nice big-arsed bruise under the scratch ;_;

right knee - barely noticeable, still a little pain & scratch marks, but nothing like the other knee

my elbow T-T there's a bruise there too, still nothing as bad as my left knee and it's started to heal up well. (it was the only part that was actually bleeding the day of my gravity test -_-)

for those who want to know what the shirt says:

"sad panda wants a hug (before he eats you)"

All this to say, that I've been home, indoors since Wednesday night... and I feel like I've been wasting away for over a week. I've been sleeping in a lot more, mainly because I had to get up earlier to get stuff done before my condo meeting and then still had to work after, so I lost sleep...and I was addictively watching a drama - episode after episode and going to sleep later, so waking up with not much time before my shift would start. 

But, if you've been following my other blog.. I've been trying to get into shape. Eat better, lose weight, do more exercise. But for the past 2 days I've done NOTHING and omg I've been feeling it Dx and I'm NOT liking the feeling. Today doesn't count as a day yet because I just finished my shift and haven't slept yet. But, I've decided that I don't care if my knee is still sore today, I'm going out for a walk anyways!!