Sunday, June 23, 2013

feeling bleh and in pain

I've been in somewhat of a rut for the past week..maybe week and a half. Dx I loathe ruts. Feeling all depressed and shit, not cool at all. I recently started attending these meetups and they're super fun and helping me to get out of the house and meet new people. It's also getting out of my comfort zone, because I'm shy right? So, it's having me reach out in a sense, and meet and talk to people. Because it's a meet up you can't go and like.. not talk to anyone xD that'd be horrible lol. But ya, so it gets me talking with people about whatever, convos flow, so it's cool. 
But, they take pics at these events and I was looking at them..and there are pics of me and it's just kind of run me down. Not sure how to explain it, but like, when I see myself in a mirror at home or like just every day, I feel fine. I know I'm not at my ideal weight, I am overweight, but I don't see myself like that. I'm not sure if anyone can understand that ha. Like I see myself, how I used to be (if I'm not looking in a mirror) before I gained all this excess weight, a mirror reminds me that I still have some work to do before I get back to that size. But pictures.. I look ginormous. One picture they took, I don't know what the heck I did, but I look like I have 3 chins... I don't have 3 chins o~o 
In one of the meetups, it was a culinary get-together and we had to wear an apron, I'm not sure if it's because of the way the apron "fits" me.. but I looked huge. So I've been plagued with images of "beached whale-me" and in all the pictures I see of myself, standing near other people, whether they're big or skinny... I feel I look ginormously fat. And then that gets me thinking, like who the f* would want a beached whale? It got so bad that I started feeling the point where I wished I could just disappear.. not as scary as when I wanted to end my life, but similar in a way.. freaked me out just enough, I spent Monday miserable, barked at my peamate, ended the day crying. Only good thing that came out of it, was that I finally stopped putting my health on hold. The very next day, I went out, bought food - healthy food, and started exercising. So even though I still feel borderline depressed, exercising gives me an energy boost and helps me to feel better about myself. Eating healthy and also keeping tabs again on helps me to know I'm doing something right for me, and that I'm getting proper nutrition. 

So, Tuesday I did yoga, Wednesday I did lvl 1 of the 30 day shred - I still have no clue if you're supposed to do that workout every day or not - Thursday I took a day off, only did some stretching poses from yoga, because my upper back's been in a lot of pain (moreso that usual) since last weekend. Friday I thought I'd do something different, I did lvl 1 of flat abs in 6 weeks - I know that'll never be a possibility, the flat abs in 6 weeks 'cause I've got 2 tummies to work through, but I figured it couldn't hurt because it'll still help to concentrate on my core and tone it down some. After the workout I was fine, took a bath, ate supper, then went on the sofa. Was watching a bit of tv, but was half lying down, decided I would use the tv to help me fall asleep (there's a timer on the tv so it turns off after x amount of time - where you regulate x), wanted to take a nap before my shift started, because I've lacked sleep this week and I work nights so I need to stay awake. 
I set the timer on my tv, then, still half lying down, propped up on my right elbow, I half turned to put the remote behind me on the back end of the sofa - something I've done many times - and that's when it happened. A sharp pain shot from my lower back (left side) across to my upper back (right side), the pain was enough to have me drop the remote and almost curl up. 
Right after, my upper back, along the spine killed! It was a sharp pain and wouldn't go away. It was also hurting on my right side, upper back. Sometimes, when my back is hurting, I'll go sit on my bed, with my legs hanging off and then lie back. My bed it really high, so it tends to help me stretch my back and usually it'll feel better. Sometimes it causes my back to pop or crack, sometimes the pop or crack feels good, other times it hurts like a bitch.. it's a win/lose situation but usually a win, so I try it to give me relief when the pain's too much. So, I tried it, hoping it might help.. only nothing. Nothing happened and the pain didn't subside. 
I figured maybe lying on my back on the sofa would help or if I slept it off... I couldn't sleep the pain was too much and forget being on my back.. although being on my back hurts less that if I try to lie on my side. So, no sleep before my shift. The pain seemed to migrate away from the middle of my back, towards the right side.. and no longer stayed at the top of my back but spread. from my shoulder to under my shoulder blade and still a bit lower - around to where my ribs end.. my lower back is spared - yippee! I already have a pinched nerve down there, don't need more pain applied to my lower back. 

I thought I'd be ok for my shift.. but when I started to work, when I typed or moved my mouse (I'm right-handed - mostly, can use my left hand for a lot of things but controlling a mouse isn't one of them, should practice that..) the pain was unbearable. It was shooting through my back (the right side, area mentioned in previous paragraph) and was so painful it was bringing tears to my eyes. Also, after starting my shift my right arm started hurting, obviously the shoulder (between the shoulder and neck), but also the upper part of my arm (close to the shoulder but just below it), and some of my fingers (middle and ring finger) were feeling numb..I took 2 advil that I had from when I got my wisdom teeth pulled last month, they're anti-inflamatory/muscle relaxants. Didn't help.. ugh. I still wanted to try and work through my shift because this coming Monday (the 24th) is a holiday and if you want to get it paid or have your hours banked, you need to have worked the day before.. as my shift ends Friday, I needed to work Friday to get my hours for Monday. I thought I'd be able to do it.. but the pain was horrendous and then I started feeling dizzy.. I'm taking calls and my voice is quavering because of the pain and I'm fighting back pain tears. ugh. no fun. 

And then I ended up getting on skype. My peamate wanted to go watch a movie on Tuesday.. but I'm not available. I'm not crazy about going to watch movies on a day I work, because I have to wake up before 4pm (thus not getting my 8hrs of sleep.. I *need* 8hrs of sleep to function properly), but also now, because I've made a workout and eating schedule that I want to stick by. To keep me from being depressed.. also this week, I have to go out and help my mom walk the dog.. she hurt her left arm and left side of back, so she won't be able to walk him (I hurt the right, she hurts the left.. we're really family!) 'cause my sister (owner of le doggie) is out of town for the week.. some teaching meeting thing in Montebello.. I agreed to this over 2 weeks ago, so I'm not going to cancel. I'm just going to work around it with my exercises and eating right. But ya, so anyways, I tell him that I'm busy but we can maybe do it on the Monday.. because he had told me earlier that week that Saturday was off limits as he wanted it as his day to just chill and do nothing. I respect that, so I offered Monday as well.. Sat, Sun & Mondays are my days off.. he's known this for all the time we've known each other. But Monday he can't.. he just got a bf, it's been maybe a month now. I've grown accustomed to him not going out with me as often anymore. I totes get that he wants to be with his bf, (he likes to point out he'd been single for 8yrs), so ya I totes get it. He's horny as fock lol I get that. And so I get that he wants to be with his bf. I totally accept it. But now, because Monday's a holiday, his bf'll be sleeping over Sunday night and they'll spend the day together on Monday. That's cool, but since I can't make it any other time during the week, I offered to to something next Saturday or Sunday - because next Monday I actually have to work ugh. But that wasn't good enough for him. He doesn't want to break his plans, which is fine, but expects me to break mine, so that I can go when it's convenient for him. How is that fair? 
And then, because I kept repeating myself, that "no, I'm busy on Tuesday and every other day of the week.. but because Monday I don't work, I can do what I have to do earlier and then go out with you" so he started, almost felt like he was trying to guilt trip me into changing my mind. Saying how he covered some touchy ground in therapy and how it brought up a lot of emotions and about being in a lot of stress lately and just wanting to go see a movie with me but that I didn't want to go.. and I was like.. hold up, you're twisting my words.. I never said I didn't want to go, but that I couldn't go that specific day, I had given him alternatives, I even told him why I hadn't suggested meeting on Saturday - because he wanted it as his day.. but then suggested that if he didn't mind, we could go out on Saturday after I'd go pick up pain meds. - He never asked what the pain meds were for.. I don't even think he paid attention - but he did read what I wrote because he went off on not being able to go because he wanted to work on his art and needed to send out emails and stuff. So I get it right, because he has things he wants and needs to do as well, and here I am, trying to find a convenient time for both of us, but he's totally unwilling and unbending.. and it should be me, that I give up what I'm supposed to do to appease him. 
And so, I started feeling like I was being brushed aside.. and that my feelings were also being brushed aside.. and obviously it's not something new, because I have been feeling that ever's been a good while.. More so, when he started going out with his bf, they'd been friends for a while beforehand, but like.. we had made plans to go out on a Saturday (the plans were made before he started dating), but by the time that Sat came along, he'd already been dating.. and so he kept saying things like "oh why did I agree to that" and "I wish I could just cancel", it was an event I rsvped for.. and had specifically mentioned that if I rsvped I wouldn't cancel it.. and it's not like I had even asked him to attend, he had volunteered and was all gungho about it, I made sure he was absolutely certain before I rsvped. But then.. he started acting like he didn't want to go.. he was only going out of obligation.. and then decided that he would plan something with his bf for right after.. the event was supposed to last until 4:30pm.. but he made plans to meet up before then.. double booking.. I didn't mind quite as much, mainly because I was going without having slept after my shift.. and so by the time we left the even 2pm.. I had been up for over 24hrs.
But it's the weekend before, when he informed me that there was no way he'd stay until the end because he wanted to spend it with his bf.. I don't know.. it just feels like.. you're getting brushed aside.. and had we just "made plans" without an rsvp, he'd have totally just cancelled on me. 
I obviously didn't bring everything up, but I did mention it not being fair that he wanted me to cancel my plans and felt like he was brushing me aside.. 
I don't think I expected what he said next, "oh I totally am" "i'm a f* demanding prick" I just sat there. I was hoping maybe he just hadn't realized he was acting that way. 'Cause you know, sometimes you'll do or say something without thinking and it might come off as pressuring someone, but it's not what you wanted to do. But here he was, aware of what he was doing. Aware and acknowledging it! 
This is the reason he never wants to meet my sis, because he doesn't like the way she treats me.. and how she tries to manipulate me into doing things AND HE'S DOING IT RIGHT NOW AND COMPLETELY AWARE OF IT. Dx Like...WTF?!?!?!? 
I just sat there..didn't know what to say.. I had been crying for well over an hour, because the pain was too much.. but also because I felt hurt by the way he kept trying to guilt me into cancelling my plans.. I had ended up calling the office and getting the rest of the night off, I couldn't be answering calls while crying. Not sure it would be too um.. good, it's like "hi, thanks for calling emergency help line how can i assist you *bawls in your ears*" it's like the operator needs just as much help as the person who's stranded and calling for help.. so I took the rest of the night off.
For a good while, I couldn't tell if I was crying because the pain I was feeling with the way he was talking to me hurt too much or if it was because of the pain in my shoulder and back.. I've decided it was 50/50. The hurt and the pain. 
I honestly didn't know what to say to him anymore.. and I told him that. I went on to explain how I was feeling and why I was feeling that way. And why I was busy now during the weekdays, and how the way he was going on was making me feel guilty. Yes, guilty because I was feeling that my reasons for being busy during the week, to exercise, were selfish. Because you know, it's *just* to exercise, isn't that selfish, shouldn't I be able to skip one day to go out so he can talk and get things off his chest? But at the same time, that exercise is what's been keeping me from staying in a depressed state. And I'm scared of falling back down..and what if I can't get up again? 

Again, while I was writing to him, he was like.. brushing me off.. "no it's fine.. i don't want to talk about this anymore" uh.. do you think I just "dropped it" and erased what I had been writing? uh. no. I needed to get this off my chest. and whether or not I should've justified my reasons for being busy, for me, I had to. Because I needed him to see why I wasn't budging on it. 

So, ya, we ended up working things out.. we never really found a time to go watch that movie and I'm not sure if he's 100% or even if we're 100% and maybe I am being selfish, but I'm doing it to up my morale, so it can't be all that bad.

I'm honestly SO thankful I have my therapy session later today (Sunday), because there's so much I need to cover.. I feeling so stressed it's not even funny.. and now with my back.. I don't even know if I can still exercise.. I needed a doctor's note.. so I went to the clinic on Saturday and got pain meds and anti-inflammatory meds.. and if it's not going any better.. then I have to go back for x-rays (the x-ray dept was closed by the time they saw me yesterday)..and I might have to do physio if there's something really wrong.. but I was told it might just be a sprain, so it might go away on its own. I might still be able to do yoga, as it's not anything strenuous. I'm just worried, because if I have to stop for the time being.. what's going to keep me from feeling like shit and being depressed and feeling like I'll be this big fat beached whale for the rest of my life.. I feel like I'm this big bubble of emotional unrest, about to burst into tears at the smallest nudge.