Monday, August 27, 2012

I hate this feeling.

the feeling of shit. and of feeling stressed but not knowing what to do. and i want to talk to someone, but that someone is nowhere to be found. it's like... when you're not in need, you've got people all around you and then when you really need to talk to someone to help you decompress, that person isn't around. 
and it'd be great to talk to a sperting therapist, only i don't have one yet and that's one of the reasons i'm stressing right now. because the place i could've gotten help from, i can't because of my work schedule and the only person i could get something with isn't covered by my insurance.. lovely insurance at that. covers me 100% for shit i'd never use, but when it comes to something i need... nope sorry, we don't cover that. it has to specifically be "this" and we only cover up to 60%.. -_- well, gee... thanks.. i wonder when in this lifetime i'll ever use an acupuncturist, especially since i loathe needles! but whatever.

so, now i'm doing the run around.. trying to find a therapist that i can afford (there's the key word), who speaks proper English (so i can express myself fully without getting a lost look on their part) and i'm getting drained in the process. and stressed.. and just ugh. 
i'm just.. super frustrated right now. and tired. really really tired. wish it would all just freakin' end. -_-
and i need to go register so i can vote. ugh. and i want to cancel for the movie tomorrow but feel that i can't because drago bought the tickets already.. but i feel like i'm getting pushed into a friendship. like ya, i get p's your best friend too but i feel like he's being pushed onto me.. so that we have to spend time together and we have to go do everything together.. like.. ask me first? idk. i understand he wants his two best friends to get along, i do. and i have nothing against p.. but i don't know.. just like how he doesn't like meeting new people or rather finds it stressful to meet new people or to be surrounded by all these new people.. i think he forgets that i'm the same? like idk.. give me time? i don't like feeling like i'm being pushed and have no choice but to head in one specific direction. i'm feeling overwhelmed with everything and now to top it off.. i can't even talk with him on our mopcue days 'cause we'll be with someone else. it's stifling. 
but i feel like if i say something, i'll just be pushed aside. because p's here now, right? and if he's got p and i'm not in the picture, well.. what good am i for anyways, right? he'll just start seeing me less and spending less time with me and more with p.. and i'll get replaced.. right? 
or are those just my fears speaking out? is that me being selfish? am i entitled to feel what or how i'm feeling? can i take my time in forming a friendship or is the only way to make everyone happy, to get pushed into one? 
i could really use a talk right now.. or hell, even just a hug or a smile or anything really.. it doesn't even have to be him.. i could really use my sweetnuthings right about now. she always helps to cheer me up... but i barely hear from her anymore T-T

i guess it's not as bad as i might make it out to be. at the therapy place, even though they can't help me,  the lady i spoke with was very helpful and has told me if there's anything else she can do, to contact her again.. she's given me links so that i can find someone and given me tips on what to look for, for my specific needs. and given me two other centres that have sliding fee scales, albeit at two extremities (one in laval and one near beaudry), but it's still somewhere to start. 
guess i'm just feeling down and out of it 'cause now i have to start over from scratch.. the stress that i had gotten rid of when i had finally booked my first appt., after having to cancel and now start from the bottom again.. that stress has come back in hoards and in full stride. i'm feeling drained. that and the fact that i was looking everywhere for him so that we could talk but he was nowhere to be found.. so i texted him and he's with p.. and i'm feeling like he'll be with him alldayeveryday and then even on days that are kind of "our" days out.. p'll be there too.. so there are no more justthetwoofus days out anymore.. is that dependency? is the feeling that you're being pushed aside part of that too? he spent the day with p on sat., is out with p today, p's coming tomorrow (didn't bother to ask me how i felt about it, just something he decided on his own. sure fine, i didn't make a whole stink out of it, i didn't protest or stomp my foot and just said it sounded fine.. but it's bothering me a lot more than i thought it would.. especially right now, that i could use to talk to him, but obviously he's not around nor will he be around tomorrow. like, i'll go.. but won't even be able to talk to him..)
i'm seriously feeling stifled right now.. like this mix of emotions and stress and just everything all rolled into one and i'm just like D8 *keels over* 

maybe food would help... clear up this dizzyness.. i haven't eaten since this morning.. that can't possibly be good... 
i'm just ugh.

Monday, August 20, 2012

So tired =_=

I was feeling a bit down today.. just a mixture of everything rolled into one. ugh. I hate feeling like that... Stressed, frustrated, incapable of doing anything about it, it makes me tired and almost depressed. 
I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. Weird right? Usually after vacation I'm ready to jump back into the swing of things, so to speak. But now, I just feel drained. It's a sign. I don't love my job anymore.. anywho, talking to my bestie helped some, but I will still feeling blah. Hadn't eaten, which probably wasn't helping..I had been debating eating or just going back to sleep, when my bestie mentioned baking.. and I was like, *ding!* I has ripe bananers that need to be made into something.. I started looking for recipes for banana stuff.. L'il Drago (my bestie) LOVES my banana bread, but I didn't really feel like making it.. then I came across a zucchini banana recipe and I was "sold!" so to speak =D I knew if I'd go to sleep, I'd never get to turning ze bananas into something nummy and they'd probably go horribly bad and have to get chucked yet again. So, I forced myself to get up, and started prepping and one thing led to another.. I made 2 recipes, which can be found on my other blog, Zucchini-Banana Bread & Choco Espresso Banana Bread. Nom nom nom *drools*

I love what baking does to me. I'm sure I'm mentioned it before, but as mah bestie says, I'm senile.. so I'll just keep on repeating meself forever and ever mwahahaha It completely soothes me, relaxes me, cheers me up and I ended up have loads of fun! 
I'm all proud of myself, I did some modifying with the choco espresso recipe, nothing big or fancy, but it's still a lot for me. I usually never even think to modify things, or I get super unsure of things and scared so I back out of it. Totally always second guessing myself. It's pretty frustrating. But I didn't do that today, I just did it, without giving it much thought. I was like, oooh this substitution looks good (for the zucchini-banana recipe, I followed a substitution for some ingredients that someone added in a  comment). So I was like, "hmm, I want to use honey in this one too.. and then looked up how much I should use in substitution for brown sugar and played with that..and then I was like, darn need milk.. don't have any..what could I put? ooooh I have almond "milk" and there we go =D" So, ya, I'm all proud of meself for being able to substitute stuff and kind of recreate/modify a recipe. 

I was really tired at the beginning of this blog entry, as I had eaten some of the choco espresso banana bread... coffee/espresso/energy drinks.. they all make me sleepy or knock me right out if I'm exhausted. But I've been writing for a while now, taking breaks every so often, as I was texting with my bestie, so ya, I'm still tired just not as much as before 'cause it's kind of woken me up a bit *nods*

We're swapping our movie night mondays to Tuesday afternoons.. at least while lil' Drago is off from work (to work on his portfolio). It actually helps me a lot, I was feeling really tired this weekend, as though I wasn't going to get any "me" time.. and he suggested this and I was like "hell yea!!" it works for me, because I'm usually up early on Tuesdays even though I work at night as it's the 1st of my 4 day shift so I'm still in the groove of sleeping nights. At least now I'll have a purpose in being up early and I can sleep when I get home for a bit before my shift starts. 
But it totes gave me today as a day for myself. I didn't expect for my day to start so rough and low, but it picked up and I'm really glad about that. 

I'll be starting my therapy sessions this coming Saturday, I'm eager for it. A bit worried that I won't know what to say.. but I remember having the same thoughts when I was scheduled to see a social worker back when my dad was in palliative care, and then I just rambled away.. which I have an inkling is what may happen this time around too. Only one way to find out, that's to go to mah session. 

Sunday, August 19, 2012


Just something to do for fun =)

1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. For each question, press the "next" button to get an answer
3.You have to write the name of the song (without the artist's name), no matter how stupid it sounds.

1. If someone tells you "it's alright", you say:
Donde Voy

2. What do you like in the opposite sex?
Appunti e Note

3. What best describes your personality?
Cry For The Moon

4. How do you feel right now?
Words I Never Said

5. What's the point of your life?
Never Too Late

6. What is your dilemma? 
Holy Night

7. What do your friends think about you?
Piece of Heaven

8. What is the most on your mind?
How Did I Fall In Love With You

9. How much is 2+2?
It Has To Be You

10. What do you think of your best friend?
Just Please

11. What does your bf/gf think of you?
Stay Forever

12. What do you think about the one you love?
Party Rock Anthem

13. What is the irony in your life?
Spring Breeze

14. What would you like to be later on?
Because of You

15. What do you think about the one you love, when you see him/her?

16. What do your parents think of you?

17. What song will you dance to on your wedding day?
You Got What I Need

18. What song will play at your funeral?
La Fée

19. What is your hobbie?
Piu Bella Cosa

20. What is you biggest secret?

21. Who has hurt you?
Pidä Kädestä

22. What do you think about your friends?
Koe Wo Kikasete 

23. How are you in bed?
One Time [hahahahaha]

24. Are you going to have kids?
Moonlight Punch Romance

25. Are you in love?
You Got Growing Up To Do

26. The last time you cried, what was the reason behind it?

27. How are you going to die?
She's Crazy

28. What is the thing you are never going to regret?
Everlasting Friend

29. The one thing you will regret?

30. What makes you laugh?
Wait A Long Time

31. What makes you cry?
I Love You

32. Would you ever get married?

33. What are you scared of?
Roly Poly

34. Does someone like you?

35. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
Nije Vise Tvoja Stvar

36. What reminds you of the one you love?
Winter's Child

37. Which song would you sing for him/her?

38. Who/what is hurting you right now?

39. What is going to be the name of this post?

Thursday, August 9, 2012

all is well ^_^

lil' Drago's op went well. I stayed with him and kept him company (even though he was drugged to the max) after the op, until his dad came and took la relève. Then I came home and crashed, but I got sidetracked as I often do and so I didn't sleep. Sandi came home and we talked and watched TV (rareness right there for me.. TV haha) until around midnight, then we both went to sleep. Yesterday his dad was able to stay until he got discharged and so was able to bring him home (which is awesome 'cause it meant he didn't have to cab it home). 
I stuck around at home, but we (Sandi & I) decided to go out for a movie.. and why only meet up later? I left with her around noon and we came home close to 11pm. Had loads of fun. Talked. My talks with Sandi are always memorable. The woman gives great advice!
We window shopped, "found" shoes for each other.. haha y'know, shoes with heels that could (would) kill us. She found (bought) some shirts and I some pants. Lawdy lawd I bought my first shorts in a looooong time! Also great news, I've lost a pant size! Woohoo!! I am now, no longer a 14, but a 12. Thank you! Thank you! *bows and curtsies*
Official weigh day is tomorrow morning.. I'm soooo excited =D 

My mouman invited us to this "vernissage". One of her friends paints, sculpts and makes jewelry and was having an exhibit at the Musé des beaux Arts boutique yesterday. So we met up with la mouman and met two other of her friends (my mouman has friends, I'm so proud of her =3), looked around and then departed to get to our movie. We watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It was really funny, you fall in love with the characters. I was laughing out loud, I cried, then laughed again, it was awersome! And yes, I was THE youngest person in the theatre.. like at least 20some years younger than some of the "younger" ones haha I had a blast =3

The note up there, about me being proud my mouman has friends.. it's not that it's weird for a parent to have friends. I guess, in a normal setting, it would be pretty normal, right? And it's not that I find it weird for my mom to have friends, it's just that I'm happy she's finally found REAL friends. Like, if any of you know my history, and what life was like with my dad, then you'd know for the longest time she had no friends.. apart from my aunt (dad's sister), because she wasn't allowed to, well.. go out (literally, at all). And the years afterwards, when she was no longer with him.. the only "friend" she had was my aunt (dad's sis), who isn't the best of friends. I don't know if she treats every one of her friends the same or if she's just that way with my mom, but it's not a healthy relationship. You don't degrade your real friends to allow yourself to step up onto a pedestal, so you can feel good about yourself and your life, while your friend feels like crap and as though they've come up short as a parent. -_- My mom had some other friends, from the church she went to.. and while I guess they were nice, they're the type of people that only come to you when they're in need. They want your help, they need your help.. but when you're in need, they're nowhere to be found. So, ya, friends that are only there when they need you but not the other way around isn't a real friend in my books. And it seemed like those were the only types of people that were hanging around my mouman. Recently, over the past few years, she's actually started to make real friends. People who will actually call her, want to see her, make time for her. So it's no longer 1-way friendships. And that's why I'm proud my mouman has friends. Real friends. People she can go out with and have fun with and they're there for each other during good and bad times. 
My sister's complained about it a few times. Like "mom's out with her friends again" and "at her age, what does she need to go out so much for" *jaw drops open in shock and horror* It's not like she's running around in bars and clubs, flirting like a 16yr old. Good grief. She's literally going out. Bike rides, going to museums, art exhibits. She's found people she has things in common with and is doing stuff with them. It makes me happy to see her so happy and finally, for once in her life, out, having fun with real friends. *nods*

So, I was talking with Sandi about my latest "adventure" so to speak. And how, I've come to the realization that, while yes, I have made some progress in trying to change myself (making & fortifying my backbone) in areas I was lacking.. some things while I thought had gotten better (aka affection dependency), instead seem to have gotten worse. Like that thing I was saying earlier (maybe a post or so ago) about feeling as though I took one step forward and 5 steps back. So I was saying how I've decided to actually get help from the outside (social worker/therapist/psychologist). She was telling me how it was great, because while you think things.. They're only that. Thoughts. You need to change things, but find out why things are the way they are, find the root of the problems to be able to work at them and solve them. And while having friends and family around to give me advice, while that is good, you need to have help from someone who's educated in the field. And she was saying that finding someone who's right for me, in the sense of that outside help, will be much like how it was when I was trying on pants. I may find some that fit, but I may not love them, because they're not right for me and for my needs. So if after one session, it doesn't feel right (or even after a consultation) to not give up, but rather look for someone who's got the right specialization. Because while one might be great for couples having relationship issues, they might not be so great with helping someone deal with a past that was lacking.

Oh and we were looking up this columnist that she reads in the paper back home. Carolyn Hax. Very good info there. Things that hit close to home. I was reading some with her.. and you have people who right in, and she's answer them and give them advice, etc. and I was reading one guy's post and I was like "holy crap, that describes me to a T" but like.. when I'm in a relationship I don't see it, I only see it when the relationship has ended. And it's much like Drago was telling me.. if the same thing happened to him, I would be the first to tell him not to do it or to show him how it was a bad situation.. but when he's telling me the same thing.. I'm incapable of seeing it. Like, blind much? I see it now.. but it's been a while, y'know? It takes time for me to get level-headed. 

And then we looked up something else she had been talking to me about.. Maslow's hierarchy. It's a theory in psychology about the pyramid of needs of a person. Those towards the bottom having the most importance, and when you lack them, then it's hard to, I guess, go up the pyramid. Like you still do, but there will be things that you lack.

I'll post the image found on wiki:

So, we were reading up on it (you can read up on it too, if you're interested *nods*'s_hierarchy_of_needs
And ya, I acknowledge there's a lack in my "safety" level, because of my childhood, which unfortunately sticks with me through the rest -__-
But something jumped out at me.. in the next section of Love and Belonging. 
"After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs are interpersonal and involve feelings of belongingness. The need is especially strong in childhood and can over-ride the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents." It was the clinging part. It's like it was an eye opener.. I remember as a kid, that ya, I was always affectionate towards people but more so towards my dad. Like LOADS more as opposed to towards anyone else,even my mom. I couldn't have explained why. I know it's what made me his "favourite" (and I know how people say that parents don't have favourites.. but you'd say differently if you had met my dad). Did I cling to him so much because of the lack of acceptance I felt from him? 
And the situation repeats itself.. because looking back to the relationships I've had.. whenever things seemed to be going horribly wrong, that's when I clinged the hardest. I'm sure it's suffocating to others. Because it's suffocating for me in different ways. Not that I realize so much that I'm clinging, but I do notice the change in me. And the blaming commences, why am I acting this way? What is wrong with me? Because god forbid that the problem not lie within me, but in the other person. I don't ever allow myself to think that. There are only a few key times where I've been able to come to my senses, because I had noticed something was wrong and had sought out external help and had seen the situation under a different light. Where I tried to work things out with the other person, and after the other person acknowledging that there was in fact a problem (but never tried to resolve it, even after saying he'd try), only then did I allow myself to say... "maybe it's not just me". 

Definitely, some form of therapy will be useful and is needed. I've come to terms with that. And not doing anything about it will only stunt my growth, I don't want that. I only want what's best for me.

It brings back what I was talking to Sylvie about last week. She was telling me again to not look for someone. She always tells me that, and I know she says it for me, because it's true and I need to hear it.. and she was telling me how she was looking and neither was her bf at the time and they found each other and they're happy and ya I was feeling kind of bitter because I was in a mood that night (mainly because of the idiot I had talked to moments earlier on the phone.. for work.. anyways I digress). So I answered kind of rough, because at first I felt as though she was accusing me of having been searching and that's why it wasn't meant to be, and I hadn't been so I was a tad miffed. But as I was writing my feelings came out and I came to the realization that I can't do this alone anymore, y'know?
anywho, this is what I said:
"i wasn't looking for lucio either and he found me. but it wasn't the right guy and i don't trust me anymore. so no, i'm not looking anymore. and i'm going to work on me and only me. and find a shrink to go to and see if maybe somehow whatever the fuck is wrong with me can be fixed so i can live a peaceful life without being overly dependant on the affection of someone. and so that my self confidence, self esteem and self worth can improve."

And it all just ties in together. The fears that I've had since I was a teen.. y'know.. about them saying you'll marry someone like your dad.. the fears I've had when in bad relationships, the doubting that I wasn't really loved, clinging to affection. It's all related and just "forgetting" about the past, doesn't actually make it go away. Trust me, I've tried for SO many years. Thinking that if I didn't think of something it would make the problems disappear. But if I think about it, if I keep it fresh in my mind, it'll always stay there to haunt me and follow me around. So, I would not think about the past, burying it deep within. But does it ever just vanish? No. It doesn't. It stays in your self conscious and while you're not thinking of it, the fears still build. That something's not quite right. That there's something missing. Now while it may just be in your relationship, it can also be due to your past. 
So therapy... HERE I COME!!! Because trying to solve it on my own just isn't working out the way I had planned.

OKies.. I'm off for now.. 

Friday, August 3, 2012

so much fuurrrrrr Dx

I can't belieeeve how much fur has accumulated in under 1 week. I'm starting to think I should shave Kayla >8D naah she's tooo cute. Not to mention I'd come out with battle scars.. ya, shaving.. no bueno. 
Finishing off the guest room now (yes, yes me taketh break *nods*), then have to make a run to the post office (for the 3rd time this week), detour to can. tire, back home to re-organize crap, buy groceries, make nummy nums (unsure what yet..) all before 9pm for work.

Sandi comes tonight =D I haven't seen her since like the summer of '09.. she used to come every year, since before I was born. Didn't come in '10 because her car repairs were too costly.. a few months later they discovered a brain tumor.. it's been crazy for the past two years. =( really scary. She's doing a bit better now, though her immune system is barely existent. So things must be spic and span for when she gets here. *nods* Wouldn't want her to get sick while here. nope nope.

So, ya. Her plane gets here around 1am, meaning she'll probably get here around 2am latest. Depends how long it takes to pick up her luggage. It's like super well timed, I specifically took these 2 weeks off for lil' Drago's operation and now Sandi's coming, same time =D mwahahaha Last time she came, I had to work, so I barely saw her. So I'm reeeeealllyyy eager! 

Anyhoo.. can you tell I'm happy she's coming? 

On a side note.. I still have to prepare for lil' Drago's op. Not so much for the op itself, mainly the recovery time. I'm making him loads of noms he can freeze, 'cause he's not supposed to be up and moving around after the op. 
I'm going with him to the hospital but it's unsure (still) if his dad'll still be here to bring him home or if I have to go bring him back. I have no problems bringing him back, afterall, that's what was originally planned. But his dad's actually coming up for support, and if he can give him a lift home afterwards it'd be more convenient than having to cab it back. *nods*

Alrighty enough blabbing, time to get back to work. 

toodles ~ bugs

Thursday, August 2, 2012


Kelvin posted a link today, and it's totally what I needed to see. =3 

I was talking with Sylvie last night.. and god I swear she knows me through and through, probably better than I know myself.. just like Raine. We were talking about dépendance affective, because well hell, who am I kidding.. I'm an affection suckle monster Dx good grief. What with my last frenzied, stressful outburst, if there were any doubts or thoughts that I was heading on the right track.. >.> they've disappeared into thin air. -_-

She was saying "it's the pattern you learned from your mom, from when you were a little girl...and also, you open your heart too fast so people can step on it as they don't want to displease anybody so you end up being hurt....." what was I saying about her knowing me better than I know myself. Ya, I know the above to be true, why did the reason "why" never come to me though? The only thing that would come to mind, is that I'm not one to start blaming others, like if anyone's going to have any blame put on them.. it'll most probably be me. Because I'm not up to par, I'm not good enough, I'm lacking.. me me me. oy vay.  I think having Sandi here is going to do me some good, she'll talk some sense into me. Vacation! Vacation is definitely going to help too. But I'm not running from the problem anymore. Not so much that I've been "running" from it until now, it was more along the lines of "I don't need outside help, I can do this on my own". And while "working on myself by myself" has had good stuff come from it, the fact that I can revert back to needing affection, the fact that I'd open myself up to being hurt again..and it's not even just by others, I'm hurting myself (figuratively speaking.. emotionally, not physically). I'm just at my wits end. I feel like I took one step forward and five steps back. God I'm so frustrated with myself, it's not even funny.

"Life is about creating yourself.. and recreating and destroying (tho not self-destruction) and creating again, then recreating.." it's a constant cycle and I'm going back to the drawing board, with a massive eraser in tow. 

Only, this time.. I'm going for the "outside" help. I've reached a point where, I don't know what I can do to "make things better". Writing my "therapy" blog, where I was just writing out things from my past, thinking if I got it out of my head, I could look back on it, figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong, fix it and move on.. doesn't seem to have done much, if anything. Guess it's not the same as talking to a social worker, like the one I was able to see when papa was in palliative care.. That had actually helped, even if it was only for a short while. She was the one who recommended doing other stuff to get my mind off of things.. it was around then that I found asian dramas, she was like, if it works, keep at it.  
I was talking to my sup. yesterday, he was concerned because of how I was the night before (didn't work Tuesday night.. this girl *points at self* was un paquet of uncontrollable crying -_-). We had a good talk. It's not "nice" but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who goes through shit like this. He used to have to be surrounded by people to feel right, to feel at ease with himself. He was (pretty much like N.) unable to say "no" to people. He was able to work on himself, by himself, by first isolating himself completely and then gradually coming out and really asking himself if he wanted something, like really wanted it. For his pleasure, not that of others. While not exactly the same issue, he gave me some pointers. He's gonna check some stuff out for me too. Like that aide aux employés thing, and there's another one he's going to look into. 
He was like.. what he found helped him, was making a list of what he wanted for him. He's like, much like how you made a list of what you want in a guy, make a list of the faults you have and make a list of what you want to be. Then work on that list. 

Sylvie says she used to be dépendante affective (much like Raine used to be dépendant affectif), so they know what they're talking about. Poor Raine, he gets so frustrated with me, when he sees me constantly falling into the same loop. ;_; Anyways, Sylvie says it might be good to see un psychologue, but that she saw une travailleuse sociale, which offered the same thing, only cost A LOT less. She says I could either go to my local CLSC, though I'd be put on an indefinite waiting list, or do what she did, and just go to the centre des femmes. I'm going to look through my options, as well as the info Seb's gathering for me and pick something. Hopefully with someone who speaks English. It'll be easier to get things off my chest that way. 
I feel like.. I've emotionally burnt out. Mental burnout Dx Not to the point where I'm déprimé, because I refuse to let myself get into a rut. I'm doing stuff to keep me busy, but at the same time, my head feels like it's about to explode. God I feel so drained. =_=