Thursday, August 2, 2012
Kelvin posted a link today, and it's totally what I needed to see. =3
I was talking with Sylvie last night.. and god I swear she knows me through and through, probably better than I know myself.. just like Raine. We were talking about dépendance affective, because well hell, who am I kidding.. I'm an affection suckle monster Dx good grief. What with my last frenzied, stressful outburst, if there were any doubts or thoughts that I was heading on the right track.. >.> they've disappeared into thin air. -_-
She was saying "it's the pattern you learned from your mom, from when you were a little girl...and also, you open your heart too fast so people can step on it as they wish...you don't want to displease anybody so you end up being hurt....." what was I saying about her knowing me better than I know myself. Ya, I know the above to be true, why did the reason "why" never come to me though? The only thing that would come to mind, is that I'm not one to start blaming others, like if anyone's going to have any blame put on them.. it'll most probably be me. Because I'm not up to par, I'm not good enough, I'm lacking.. me me me. oy vay. I think having Sandi here is going to do me some good, she'll talk some sense into me. Vacation! Vacation is definitely going to help too. But I'm not running from the problem anymore. Not so much that I've been "running" from it until now, it was more along the lines of "I don't need outside help, I can do this on my own". And while "working on myself by myself" has had good stuff come from it, the fact that I can revert back to needing affection, the fact that I'd open myself up to being hurt again..and it's not even just by others, I'm hurting myself (figuratively speaking.. emotionally, not physically). I'm just at my wits end. I feel like I took one step forward and five steps back. God I'm so frustrated with myself, it's not even funny.
"Life is about creating yourself.. and recreating and destroying (tho not self-destruction) and creating again, then recreating.." it's a constant cycle and I'm going back to the drawing board, with a massive eraser in tow.
Only, this time.. I'm going for the "outside" help. I've reached a point where, I don't know what I can do to "make things better". Writing my "therapy" blog, where I was just writing out things from my past, thinking if I got it out of my head, I could look back on it, figure out what went wrong, why it went wrong, fix it and move on.. doesn't seem to have done much, if anything. Guess it's not the same as talking to a social worker, like the one I was able to see when papa was in palliative care.. That had actually helped, even if it was only for a short while. She was the one who recommended doing other stuff to get my mind off of things.. it was around then that I found asian dramas, she was like, if it works, keep at it.
I was talking to my sup. yesterday, he was concerned because of how I was the night before (didn't work Tuesday night.. this girl *points at self* was un paquet of uncontrollable crying -_-). We had a good talk. It's not "nice" but it's nice to know that I'm not the only one who goes through shit like this. He used to have to be surrounded by people to feel right, to feel at ease with himself. He was (pretty much like N.) unable to say "no" to people. He was able to work on himself, by himself, by first isolating himself completely and then gradually coming out and really asking himself if he wanted something, like really wanted it. For his pleasure, not that of others. While not exactly the same issue, he gave me some pointers. He's gonna check some stuff out for me too. Like that aide aux employés thing, and there's another one he's going to look into.
He was like.. what he found helped him, was making a list of what he wanted for him. He's like, much like how you made a list of what you want in a guy, make a list of the faults you have and make a list of what you want to be. Then work on that list.
Sylvie says she used to be dépendante affective (much like Raine used to be dépendant affectif), so they know what they're talking about. Poor Raine, he gets so frustrated with me, when he sees me constantly falling into the same loop. ;_; Anyways, Sylvie says it might be good to see un psychologue, but that she saw une travailleuse sociale, which offered the same thing, only cost A LOT less. She says I could either go to my local CLSC, though I'd be put on an indefinite waiting list, or do what she did, and just go to the centre des femmes. I'm going to look through my options, as well as the info Seb's gathering for me and pick something. Hopefully with someone who speaks English. It'll be easier to get things off my chest that way.
I feel like.. I've emotionally burnt out. Mental burnout Dx Not to the point where I'm déprimé, because I refuse to let myself get into a rut. I'm doing stuff to keep me busy, but at the same time, my head feels like it's about to explode. God I feel so drained. =_=