Monday, August 27, 2012

I hate this feeling.

the feeling of shit. and of feeling stressed but not knowing what to do. and i want to talk to someone, but that someone is nowhere to be found. it's like... when you're not in need, you've got people all around you and then when you really need to talk to someone to help you decompress, that person isn't around. 
and it'd be great to talk to a sperting therapist, only i don't have one yet and that's one of the reasons i'm stressing right now. because the place i could've gotten help from, i can't because of my work schedule and the only person i could get something with isn't covered by my insurance.. lovely insurance at that. covers me 100% for shit i'd never use, but when it comes to something i need... nope sorry, we don't cover that. it has to specifically be "this" and we only cover up to 60%.. -_- well, gee... thanks.. i wonder when in this lifetime i'll ever use an acupuncturist, especially since i loathe needles! but whatever.

so, now i'm doing the run around.. trying to find a therapist that i can afford (there's the key word), who speaks proper English (so i can express myself fully without getting a lost look on their part) and i'm getting drained in the process. and stressed.. and just ugh. 
i'm just.. super frustrated right now. and tired. really really tired. wish it would all just freakin' end. -_-
and i need to go register so i can vote. ugh. and i want to cancel for the movie tomorrow but feel that i can't because drago bought the tickets already.. but i feel like i'm getting pushed into a friendship. like ya, i get p's your best friend too but i feel like he's being pushed onto me.. so that we have to spend time together and we have to go do everything together.. like.. ask me first? idk. i understand he wants his two best friends to get along, i do. and i have nothing against p.. but i don't know.. just like how he doesn't like meeting new people or rather finds it stressful to meet new people or to be surrounded by all these new people.. i think he forgets that i'm the same? like idk.. give me time? i don't like feeling like i'm being pushed and have no choice but to head in one specific direction. i'm feeling overwhelmed with everything and now to top it off.. i can't even talk with him on our mopcue days 'cause we'll be with someone else. it's stifling. 
but i feel like if i say something, i'll just be pushed aside. because p's here now, right? and if he's got p and i'm not in the picture, well.. what good am i for anyways, right? he'll just start seeing me less and spending less time with me and more with p.. and i'll get replaced.. right? 
or are those just my fears speaking out? is that me being selfish? am i entitled to feel what or how i'm feeling? can i take my time in forming a friendship or is the only way to make everyone happy, to get pushed into one? 
i could really use a talk right now.. or hell, even just a hug or a smile or anything really.. it doesn't even have to be him.. i could really use my sweetnuthings right about now. she always helps to cheer me up... but i barely hear from her anymore T-T

i guess it's not as bad as i might make it out to be. at the therapy place, even though they can't help me,  the lady i spoke with was very helpful and has told me if there's anything else she can do, to contact her again.. she's given me links so that i can find someone and given me tips on what to look for, for my specific needs. and given me two other centres that have sliding fee scales, albeit at two extremities (one in laval and one near beaudry), but it's still somewhere to start. 
guess i'm just feeling down and out of it 'cause now i have to start over from scratch.. the stress that i had gotten rid of when i had finally booked my first appt., after having to cancel and now start from the bottom again.. that stress has come back in hoards and in full stride. i'm feeling drained. that and the fact that i was looking everywhere for him so that we could talk but he was nowhere to be found.. so i texted him and he's with p.. and i'm feeling like he'll be with him alldayeveryday and then even on days that are kind of "our" days out.. p'll be there too.. so there are no more justthetwoofus days out anymore.. is that dependency? is the feeling that you're being pushed aside part of that too? he spent the day with p on sat., is out with p today, p's coming tomorrow (didn't bother to ask me how i felt about it, just something he decided on his own. sure fine, i didn't make a whole stink out of it, i didn't protest or stomp my foot and just said it sounded fine.. but it's bothering me a lot more than i thought it would.. especially right now, that i could use to talk to him, but obviously he's not around nor will he be around tomorrow. like, i'll go.. but won't even be able to talk to him..)
i'm seriously feeling stifled right now.. like this mix of emotions and stress and just everything all rolled into one and i'm just like D8 *keels over* 

maybe food would help... clear up this dizzyness.. i haven't eaten since this morning.. that can't possibly be good... 
i'm just ugh.

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