Thursday, August 9, 2012

all is well ^_^

lil' Drago's op went well. I stayed with him and kept him company (even though he was drugged to the max) after the op, until his dad came and took la relève. Then I came home and crashed, but I got sidetracked as I often do and so I didn't sleep. Sandi came home and we talked and watched TV (rareness right there for me.. TV haha) until around midnight, then we both went to sleep. Yesterday his dad was able to stay until he got discharged and so was able to bring him home (which is awesome 'cause it meant he didn't have to cab it home). 
I stuck around at home, but we (Sandi & I) decided to go out for a movie.. and why only meet up later? I left with her around noon and we came home close to 11pm. Had loads of fun. Talked. My talks with Sandi are always memorable. The woman gives great advice!
We window shopped, "found" shoes for each other.. haha y'know, shoes with heels that could (would) kill us. She found (bought) some shirts and I some pants. Lawdy lawd I bought my first shorts in a looooong time! Also great news, I've lost a pant size! Woohoo!! I am now, no longer a 14, but a 12. Thank you! Thank you! *bows and curtsies*
Official weigh day is tomorrow morning.. I'm soooo excited =D 

My mouman invited us to this "vernissage". One of her friends paints, sculpts and makes jewelry and was having an exhibit at the Musé des beaux Arts boutique yesterday. So we met up with la mouman and met two other of her friends (my mouman has friends, I'm so proud of her =3), looked around and then departed to get to our movie. We watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It was really funny, you fall in love with the characters. I was laughing out loud, I cried, then laughed again, it was awersome! And yes, I was THE youngest person in the theatre.. like at least 20some years younger than some of the "younger" ones haha I had a blast =3

The note up there, about me being proud my mouman has friends.. it's not that it's weird for a parent to have friends. I guess, in a normal setting, it would be pretty normal, right? And it's not that I find it weird for my mom to have friends, it's just that I'm happy she's finally found REAL friends. Like, if any of you know my history, and what life was like with my dad, then you'd know for the longest time she had no friends.. apart from my aunt (dad's sister), because she wasn't allowed to, well.. go out (literally, at all). And the years afterwards, when she was no longer with him.. the only "friend" she had was my aunt (dad's sis), who isn't the best of friends. I don't know if she treats every one of her friends the same or if she's just that way with my mom, but it's not a healthy relationship. You don't degrade your real friends to allow yourself to step up onto a pedestal, so you can feel good about yourself and your life, while your friend feels like crap and as though they've come up short as a parent. -_- My mom had some other friends, from the church she went to.. and while I guess they were nice, they're the type of people that only come to you when they're in need. They want your help, they need your help.. but when you're in need, they're nowhere to be found. So, ya, friends that are only there when they need you but not the other way around isn't a real friend in my books. And it seemed like those were the only types of people that were hanging around my mouman. Recently, over the past few years, she's actually started to make real friends. People who will actually call her, want to see her, make time for her. So it's no longer 1-way friendships. And that's why I'm proud my mouman has friends. Real friends. People she can go out with and have fun with and they're there for each other during good and bad times. 
My sister's complained about it a few times. Like "mom's out with her friends again" and "at her age, what does she need to go out so much for" *jaw drops open in shock and horror* It's not like she's running around in bars and clubs, flirting like a 16yr old. Good grief. She's literally going out. Bike rides, going to museums, art exhibits. She's found people she has things in common with and is doing stuff with them. It makes me happy to see her so happy and finally, for once in her life, out, having fun with real friends. *nods*

So, I was talking with Sandi about my latest "adventure" so to speak. And how, I've come to the realization that, while yes, I have made some progress in trying to change myself (making & fortifying my backbone) in areas I was lacking.. some things while I thought had gotten better (aka affection dependency), instead seem to have gotten worse. Like that thing I was saying earlier (maybe a post or so ago) about feeling as though I took one step forward and 5 steps back. So I was saying how I've decided to actually get help from the outside (social worker/therapist/psychologist). She was telling me how it was great, because while you think things.. They're only that. Thoughts. You need to change things, but find out why things are the way they are, find the root of the problems to be able to work at them and solve them. And while having friends and family around to give me advice, while that is good, you need to have help from someone who's educated in the field. And she was saying that finding someone who's right for me, in the sense of that outside help, will be much like how it was when I was trying on pants. I may find some that fit, but I may not love them, because they're not right for me and for my needs. So if after one session, it doesn't feel right (or even after a consultation) to not give up, but rather look for someone who's got the right specialization. Because while one might be great for couples having relationship issues, they might not be so great with helping someone deal with a past that was lacking.

Oh and we were looking up this columnist that she reads in the paper back home. Carolyn Hax. Very good info there. Things that hit close to home. I was reading some with her.. and you have people who right in, and she's answer them and give them advice, etc. and I was reading one guy's post and I was like "holy crap, that describes me to a T" but like.. when I'm in a relationship I don't see it, I only see it when the relationship has ended. And it's much like Drago was telling me.. if the same thing happened to him, I would be the first to tell him not to do it or to show him how it was a bad situation.. but when he's telling me the same thing.. I'm incapable of seeing it. Like, blind much? I see it now.. but it's been a while, y'know? It takes time for me to get level-headed. 

And then we looked up something else she had been talking to me about.. Maslow's hierarchy. It's a theory in psychology about the pyramid of needs of a person. Those towards the bottom having the most importance, and when you lack them, then it's hard to, I guess, go up the pyramid. Like you still do, but there will be things that you lack.

I'll post the image found on wiki:

So, we were reading up on it (you can read up on it too, if you're interested *nods*'s_hierarchy_of_needs
And ya, I acknowledge there's a lack in my "safety" level, because of my childhood, which unfortunately sticks with me through the rest -__-
But something jumped out at me.. in the next section of Love and Belonging. 
"After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs are interpersonal and involve feelings of belongingness. The need is especially strong in childhood and can over-ride the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents." It was the clinging part. It's like it was an eye opener.. I remember as a kid, that ya, I was always affectionate towards people but more so towards my dad. Like LOADS more as opposed to towards anyone else,even my mom. I couldn't have explained why. I know it's what made me his "favourite" (and I know how people say that parents don't have favourites.. but you'd say differently if you had met my dad). Did I cling to him so much because of the lack of acceptance I felt from him? 
And the situation repeats itself.. because looking back to the relationships I've had.. whenever things seemed to be going horribly wrong, that's when I clinged the hardest. I'm sure it's suffocating to others. Because it's suffocating for me in different ways. Not that I realize so much that I'm clinging, but I do notice the change in me. And the blaming commences, why am I acting this way? What is wrong with me? Because god forbid that the problem not lie within me, but in the other person. I don't ever allow myself to think that. There are only a few key times where I've been able to come to my senses, because I had noticed something was wrong and had sought out external help and had seen the situation under a different light. Where I tried to work things out with the other person, and after the other person acknowledging that there was in fact a problem (but never tried to resolve it, even after saying he'd try), only then did I allow myself to say... "maybe it's not just me". 

Definitely, some form of therapy will be useful and is needed. I've come to terms with that. And not doing anything about it will only stunt my growth, I don't want that. I only want what's best for me.

It brings back what I was talking to Sylvie about last week. She was telling me again to not look for someone. She always tells me that, and I know she says it for me, because it's true and I need to hear it.. and she was telling me how she was looking and neither was her bf at the time and they found each other and they're happy and ya I was feeling kind of bitter because I was in a mood that night (mainly because of the idiot I had talked to moments earlier on the phone.. for work.. anyways I digress). So I answered kind of rough, because at first I felt as though she was accusing me of having been searching and that's why it wasn't meant to be, and I hadn't been so I was a tad miffed. But as I was writing my feelings came out and I came to the realization that I can't do this alone anymore, y'know?
anywho, this is what I said:
"i wasn't looking for lucio either and he found me. but it wasn't the right guy and i don't trust me anymore. so no, i'm not looking anymore. and i'm going to work on me and only me. and find a shrink to go to and see if maybe somehow whatever the fuck is wrong with me can be fixed so i can live a peaceful life without being overly dependant on the affection of someone. and so that my self confidence, self esteem and self worth can improve."

And it all just ties in together. The fears that I've had since I was a teen.. y'know.. about them saying you'll marry someone like your dad.. the fears I've had when in bad relationships, the doubting that I wasn't really loved, clinging to affection. It's all related and just "forgetting" about the past, doesn't actually make it go away. Trust me, I've tried for SO many years. Thinking that if I didn't think of something it would make the problems disappear. But if I think about it, if I keep it fresh in my mind, it'll always stay there to haunt me and follow me around. So, I would not think about the past, burying it deep within. But does it ever just vanish? No. It doesn't. It stays in your self conscious and while you're not thinking of it, the fears still build. That something's not quite right. That there's something missing. Now while it may just be in your relationship, it can also be due to your past. 
So therapy... HERE I COME!!! Because trying to solve it on my own just isn't working out the way I had planned.

OKies.. I'm off for now.. 

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