I was feeling a bit down today.. just a mixture of everything rolled into one. ugh. I hate feeling like that... Stressed, frustrated, incapable of doing anything about it, it makes me tired and almost depressed.
I'm dreading going back to work tomorrow. Weird right? Usually after vacation I'm ready to jump back into the swing of things, so to speak. But now, I just feel drained. It's a sign. I don't love my job anymore.. anywho, talking to my bestie helped some, but I will still feeling blah. Hadn't eaten, which probably wasn't helping..I had been debating eating or just going back to sleep, when my bestie mentioned baking.. and I was like, *ding!* I has ripe bananers that need to be made into something.. I started looking for recipes for banana stuff.. L'il Drago (my bestie) LOVES my banana bread, but I didn't really feel like making it.. then I came across a zucchini banana recipe and I was "sold!" so to speak =D I knew if I'd go to sleep, I'd never get to turning ze bananas into something nummy and they'd probably go horribly bad and have to get chucked yet again. So, I forced myself to get up, and started prepping and one thing led to another.. I made 2 recipes, which can be found on my other blog, Zucchini-Banana Bread & Choco Espresso Banana Bread. Nom nom nom *drools*
I love what baking does to me. I'm sure I'm mentioned it before, but as mah bestie says, I'm senile.. so I'll just keep on repeating meself forever and ever mwahahaha It completely soothes me, relaxes me, cheers me up and I ended up have loads of fun!
I'm all proud of myself, I did some modifying with the choco espresso recipe, nothing big or fancy, but it's still a lot for me. I usually never even think to modify things, or I get super unsure of things and scared so I back out of it. Totally always second guessing myself. It's pretty frustrating. But I didn't do that today, I just did it, without giving it much thought. I was like, oooh this substitution looks good (for the zucchini-banana recipe, I followed a substitution for some ingredients that someone added in a comment). So I was like, "hmm, I want to use honey in this one too.. and then looked up how much I should use in substitution for brown sugar and played with that..and then I was like, darn need milk.. don't have any..what could I put? ooooh I have almond "milk" and there we go =D" So, ya, I'm all proud of meself for being able to substitute stuff and kind of recreate/modify a recipe.
I was really tired at the beginning of this blog entry, as I had eaten some of the choco espresso banana bread... coffee/espresso/energy drinks.. they all make me sleepy or knock me right out if I'm exhausted. But I've been writing for a while now, taking breaks every so often, as I was texting with my bestie, so ya, I'm still tired just not as much as before 'cause it's kind of woken me up a bit *nods*
We're swapping our movie night mondays to Tuesday afternoons.. at least while lil' Drago is off from work (to work on his portfolio). It actually helps me a lot, I was feeling really tired this weekend, as though I wasn't going to get any "me" time.. and he suggested this and I was like "hell yea!!" it works for me, because I'm usually up early on Tuesdays even though I work at night as it's the 1st of my 4 day shift so I'm still in the groove of sleeping nights. At least now I'll have a purpose in being up early and I can sleep when I get home for a bit before my shift starts.
But it totes gave me today as a day for myself. I didn't expect for my day to start so rough and low, but it picked up and I'm really glad about that.
I'll be starting my therapy sessions this coming Saturday, I'm eager for it. A bit worried that I won't know what to say.. but I remember having the same thoughts when I was scheduled to see a social worker back when my dad was in palliative care, and then I just rambled away.. which I have an inkling is what may happen this time around too. Only one way to find out, that's to go to mah session.
Showing posts with label fun. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fun. Show all posts
Monday, August 20, 2012
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Okaeri
Just something to do for fun =)
Rules
1. Put your music player on shuffle
2. For each question, press the "next" button to get an answer
3.You have to write the name of the song (without the artist's name), no matter how stupid it sounds.
1. If someone tells you "it's alright", you say:
Donde Voy
2. What do you like in the opposite sex?
Appunti e Note
3. What best describes your personality?
Cry For The Moon
4. How do you feel right now?
Words I Never Said
5. What's the point of your life?
Never Too Late
6. What is your dilemma?
Holy Night
7. What do your friends think about you?
Piece of Heaven
8. What is the most on your mind?
How Did I Fall In Love With You
9. How much is 2+2?
It Has To Be You
10. What do you think of your best friend?
Just Please
11. What does your bf/gf think of you?
Stay Forever
12. What do you think about the one you love?
Party Rock Anthem
13. What is the irony in your life?
Spring Breeze
14. What would you like to be later on?
Because of You
15. What do you think about the one you love, when you see him/her?
Stand
16. What do your parents think of you?
Emily
17. What song will you dance to on your wedding day?
You Got What I Need
18. What song will play at your funeral?
La Fée
19. What is your hobbie?
Piu Bella Cosa
20. What is you biggest secret?
Fullmoon
21. Who has hurt you?
Pidä Kädestä
22. What do you think about your friends?
Koe Wo Kikasete
23. How are you in bed?
One Time [hahahahaha]
24. Are you going to have kids?
Moonlight Punch Romance
25. Are you in love?
You Got Growing Up To Do
26. The last time you cried, what was the reason behind it?
Monster
27. How are you going to die?
She's Crazy
28. What is the thing you are never going to regret?
Everlasting Friend
29. The one thing you will regret?
Poison
30. What makes you laugh?
Wait A Long Time
31. What makes you cry?
I Love You
32. Would you ever get married?
Crazy
33. What are you scared of?
Roly Poly
34. Does someone like you?
Analyse
35. If you could go back in time, what would you change?
Nije Vise Tvoja Stvar
36. What reminds you of the one you love?
Winter's Child
37. Which song would you sing for him/her?
Eternal
38. Who/what is hurting you right now?
Lies
39. What is going to be the name of this post?
Okaeri
Thursday, August 9, 2012
all is well ^_^
lil' Drago's op went well. I stayed with him and kept him company (even though he was drugged to the max) after the op, until his dad came and took la relève. Then I came home and crashed, but I got sidetracked as I often do and so I didn't sleep. Sandi came home and we talked and watched TV (rareness right there for me.. TV haha) until around midnight, then we both went to sleep. Yesterday his dad was able to stay until he got discharged and so was able to bring him home (which is awesome 'cause it meant he didn't have to cab it home).
I stuck around at home, but we (Sandi & I) decided to go out for a movie.. and why only meet up later? I left with her around noon and we came home close to 11pm. Had loads of fun. Talked. My talks with Sandi are always memorable. The woman gives great advice!
We window shopped, "found" shoes for each other.. haha y'know, shoes with heels that could (would) kill us. She found (bought) some shirts and I some pants. Lawdy lawd I bought my first shorts in a looooong time! Also great news, I've lost a pant size! Woohoo!! I am now, no longer a 14, but a 12. Thank you! Thank you! *bows and curtsies*
Official weigh day is tomorrow morning.. I'm soooo excited =D
My mouman invited us to this "vernissage". One of her friends paints, sculpts and makes jewelry and was having an exhibit at the Musé des beaux Arts boutique yesterday. So we met up with la mouman and met two other of her friends (my mouman has friends, I'm so proud of her =3), looked around and then departed to get to our movie. We watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It was really funny, you fall in love with the characters. I was laughing out loud, I cried, then laughed again, it was awersome! And yes, I was THE youngest person in the theatre.. like at least 20some years younger than some of the "younger" ones haha I had a blast =3
The note up there, about me being proud my mouman has friends.. it's not that it's weird for a parent to have friends. I guess, in a normal setting, it would be pretty normal, right? And it's not that I find it weird for my mom to have friends, it's just that I'm happy she's finally found REAL friends. Like, if any of you know my history, and what life was like with my dad, then you'd know for the longest time she had no friends.. apart from my aunt (dad's sister), because she wasn't allowed to, well.. go out (literally, at all). And the years afterwards, when she was no longer with him.. the only "friend" she had was my aunt (dad's sis), who isn't the best of friends. I don't know if she treats every one of her friends the same or if she's just that way with my mom, but it's not a healthy relationship. You don't degrade your real friends to allow yourself to step up onto a pedestal, so you can feel good about yourself and your life, while your friend feels like crap and as though they've come up short as a parent. -_- My mom had some other friends, from the church she went to.. and while I guess they were nice, they're the type of people that only come to you when they're in need. They want your help, they need your help.. but when you're in need, they're nowhere to be found. So, ya, friends that are only there when they need you but not the other way around isn't a real friend in my books. And it seemed like those were the only types of people that were hanging around my mouman. Recently, over the past few years, she's actually started to make real friends. People who will actually call her, want to see her, make time for her. So it's no longer 1-way friendships. And that's why I'm proud my mouman has friends. Real friends. People she can go out with and have fun with and they're there for each other during good and bad times.
My sister's complained about it a few times. Like "mom's out with her friends again" and "at her age, what does she need to go out so much for" *jaw drops open in shock and horror* It's not like she's running around in bars and clubs, flirting like a 16yr old. Good grief. She's literally going out. Bike rides, going to museums, art exhibits. She's found people she has things in common with and is doing stuff with them. It makes me happy to see her so happy and finally, for once in her life, out, having fun with real friends. *nods*
So, I was talking with Sandi about my latest "adventure" so to speak. And how, I've come to the realization that, while yes, I have made some progress in trying to change myself (making & fortifying my backbone) in areas I was lacking.. some things while I thought had gotten better (aka affection dependency), instead seem to have gotten worse. Like that thing I was saying earlier (maybe a post or so ago) about feeling as though I took one step forward and 5 steps back. So I was saying how I've decided to actually get help from the outside (social worker/therapist/psychologist). She was telling me how it was great, because while you think things.. They're only that. Thoughts. You need to change things, but find out why things are the way they are, find the root of the problems to be able to work at them and solve them. And while having friends and family around to give me advice, while that is good, you need to have help from someone who's educated in the field. And she was saying that finding someone who's right for me, in the sense of that outside help, will be much like how it was when I was trying on pants. I may find some that fit, but I may not love them, because they're not right for me and for my needs. So if after one session, it doesn't feel right (or even after a consultation) to not give up, but rather look for someone who's got the right specialization. Because while one might be great for couples having relationship issues, they might not be so great with helping someone deal with a past that was lacking.
Oh and we were looking up this columnist that she reads in the paper back home. Carolyn Hax. Very good info there. Things that hit close to home. I was reading some with her.. and you have people who right in, and she's answer them and give them advice, etc. and I was reading one guy's post and I was like "holy crap, that describes me to a T" but like.. when I'm in a relationship I don't see it, I only see it when the relationship has ended. And it's much like Drago was telling me.. if the same thing happened to him, I would be the first to tell him not to do it or to show him how it was a bad situation.. but when he's telling me the same thing.. I'm incapable of seeing it. Like, blind much? I see it now.. but it's been a while, y'know? It takes time for me to get level-headed.
And then we looked up something else she had been talking to me about.. Maslow's hierarchy. It's a theory in psychology about the pyramid of needs of a person. Those towards the bottom having the most importance, and when you lack them, then it's hard to, I guess, go up the pyramid. Like you still do, but there will be things that you lack.
I'll post the image found on wiki:
So, we were reading up on it (you can read up on it too, if you're interested *nods* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs)
And ya, I acknowledge there's a lack in my "safety" level, because of my childhood, which unfortunately sticks with me through the rest -__-
But something jumped out at me.. in the next section of Love and Belonging.
"After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs are interpersonal and involve feelings of belongingness. The need is especially strong in childhood and can over-ride the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents." It was the clinging part. It's like it was an eye opener.. I remember as a kid, that ya, I was always affectionate towards people but more so towards my dad. Like LOADS more as opposed to towards anyone else,even my mom. I couldn't have explained why. I know it's what made me his "favourite" (and I know how people say that parents don't have favourites.. but you'd say differently if you had met my dad). Did I cling to him so much because of the lack of acceptance I felt from him?
And the situation repeats itself.. because looking back to the relationships I've had.. whenever things seemed to be going horribly wrong, that's when I clinged the hardest. I'm sure it's suffocating to others. Because it's suffocating for me in different ways. Not that I realize so much that I'm clinging, but I do notice the change in me. And the blaming commences, why am I acting this way? What is wrong with me? Because god forbid that the problem not lie within me, but in the other person. I don't ever allow myself to think that. There are only a few key times where I've been able to come to my senses, because I had noticed something was wrong and had sought out external help and had seen the situation under a different light. Where I tried to work things out with the other person, and after the other person acknowledging that there was in fact a problem (but never tried to resolve it, even after saying he'd try), only then did I allow myself to say... "maybe it's not just me".
Definitely, some form of therapy will be useful and is needed. I've come to terms with that. And not doing anything about it will only stunt my growth, I don't want that. I only want what's best for me.
It brings back what I was talking to Sylvie about last week. She was telling me again to not look for someone. She always tells me that, and I know she says it for me, because it's true and I need to hear it.. and she was telling me how she was looking and neither was her bf at the time and they found each other and they're happy and ya I was feeling kind of bitter because I was in a mood that night (mainly because of the idiot I had talked to moments earlier on the phone.. for work.. anyways I digress). So I answered kind of rough, because at first I felt as though she was accusing me of having been searching and that's why it wasn't meant to be, and I hadn't been so I was a tad miffed. But as I was writing my feelings came out and I came to the realization that I can't do this alone anymore, y'know?
anywho, this is what I said:
"i wasn't looking for lucio either and he found me. but it wasn't the right guy and i don't trust me anymore. so no, i'm not looking anymore. and i'm going to work on me and only me. and find a shrink to go to and see if maybe somehow whatever the fuck is wrong with me can be fixed so i can live a peaceful life without being overly dependant on the affection of someone. and so that my self confidence, self esteem and self worth can improve."
And it all just ties in together. The fears that I've had since I was a teen.. y'know.. about them saying you'll marry someone like your dad.. the fears I've had when in bad relationships, the doubting that I wasn't really loved, clinging to affection. It's all related and just "forgetting" about the past, doesn't actually make it go away. Trust me, I've tried for SO many years. Thinking that if I didn't think of something it would make the problems disappear. But if I think about it, if I keep it fresh in my mind, it'll always stay there to haunt me and follow me around. So, I would not think about the past, burying it deep within. But does it ever just vanish? No. It doesn't. It stays in your self conscious and while you're not thinking of it, the fears still build. That something's not quite right. That there's something missing. Now while it may just be in your relationship, it can also be due to your past.
So therapy... HERE I COME!!! Because trying to solve it on my own just isn't working out the way I had planned.
OKies.. I'm off for now..
I stuck around at home, but we (Sandi & I) decided to go out for a movie.. and why only meet up later? I left with her around noon and we came home close to 11pm. Had loads of fun. Talked. My talks with Sandi are always memorable. The woman gives great advice!
We window shopped, "found" shoes for each other.. haha y'know, shoes with heels that could (would) kill us. She found (bought) some shirts and I some pants. Lawdy lawd I bought my first shorts in a looooong time! Also great news, I've lost a pant size! Woohoo!! I am now, no longer a 14, but a 12. Thank you! Thank you! *bows and curtsies*
Official weigh day is tomorrow morning.. I'm soooo excited =D
My mouman invited us to this "vernissage". One of her friends paints, sculpts and makes jewelry and was having an exhibit at the Musé des beaux Arts boutique yesterday. So we met up with la mouman and met two other of her friends (my mouman has friends, I'm so proud of her =3), looked around and then departed to get to our movie. We watched The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel. It was really funny, you fall in love with the characters. I was laughing out loud, I cried, then laughed again, it was awersome! And yes, I was THE youngest person in the theatre.. like at least 20some years younger than some of the "younger" ones haha I had a blast =3
The note up there, about me being proud my mouman has friends.. it's not that it's weird for a parent to have friends. I guess, in a normal setting, it would be pretty normal, right? And it's not that I find it weird for my mom to have friends, it's just that I'm happy she's finally found REAL friends. Like, if any of you know my history, and what life was like with my dad, then you'd know for the longest time she had no friends.. apart from my aunt (dad's sister), because she wasn't allowed to, well.. go out (literally, at all). And the years afterwards, when she was no longer with him.. the only "friend" she had was my aunt (dad's sis), who isn't the best of friends. I don't know if she treats every one of her friends the same or if she's just that way with my mom, but it's not a healthy relationship. You don't degrade your real friends to allow yourself to step up onto a pedestal, so you can feel good about yourself and your life, while your friend feels like crap and as though they've come up short as a parent. -_- My mom had some other friends, from the church she went to.. and while I guess they were nice, they're the type of people that only come to you when they're in need. They want your help, they need your help.. but when you're in need, they're nowhere to be found. So, ya, friends that are only there when they need you but not the other way around isn't a real friend in my books. And it seemed like those were the only types of people that were hanging around my mouman. Recently, over the past few years, she's actually started to make real friends. People who will actually call her, want to see her, make time for her. So it's no longer 1-way friendships. And that's why I'm proud my mouman has friends. Real friends. People she can go out with and have fun with and they're there for each other during good and bad times.
My sister's complained about it a few times. Like "mom's out with her friends again" and "at her age, what does she need to go out so much for" *jaw drops open in shock and horror* It's not like she's running around in bars and clubs, flirting like a 16yr old. Good grief. She's literally going out. Bike rides, going to museums, art exhibits. She's found people she has things in common with and is doing stuff with them. It makes me happy to see her so happy and finally, for once in her life, out, having fun with real friends. *nods*
So, I was talking with Sandi about my latest "adventure" so to speak. And how, I've come to the realization that, while yes, I have made some progress in trying to change myself (making & fortifying my backbone) in areas I was lacking.. some things while I thought had gotten better (aka affection dependency), instead seem to have gotten worse. Like that thing I was saying earlier (maybe a post or so ago) about feeling as though I took one step forward and 5 steps back. So I was saying how I've decided to actually get help from the outside (social worker/therapist/psychologist). She was telling me how it was great, because while you think things.. They're only that. Thoughts. You need to change things, but find out why things are the way they are, find the root of the problems to be able to work at them and solve them. And while having friends and family around to give me advice, while that is good, you need to have help from someone who's educated in the field. And she was saying that finding someone who's right for me, in the sense of that outside help, will be much like how it was when I was trying on pants. I may find some that fit, but I may not love them, because they're not right for me and for my needs. So if after one session, it doesn't feel right (or even after a consultation) to not give up, but rather look for someone who's got the right specialization. Because while one might be great for couples having relationship issues, they might not be so great with helping someone deal with a past that was lacking.
Oh and we were looking up this columnist that she reads in the paper back home. Carolyn Hax. Very good info there. Things that hit close to home. I was reading some with her.. and you have people who right in, and she's answer them and give them advice, etc. and I was reading one guy's post and I was like "holy crap, that describes me to a T" but like.. when I'm in a relationship I don't see it, I only see it when the relationship has ended. And it's much like Drago was telling me.. if the same thing happened to him, I would be the first to tell him not to do it or to show him how it was a bad situation.. but when he's telling me the same thing.. I'm incapable of seeing it. Like, blind much? I see it now.. but it's been a while, y'know? It takes time for me to get level-headed.
And then we looked up something else she had been talking to me about.. Maslow's hierarchy. It's a theory in psychology about the pyramid of needs of a person. Those towards the bottom having the most importance, and when you lack them, then it's hard to, I guess, go up the pyramid. Like you still do, but there will be things that you lack.
I'll post the image found on wiki:
So, we were reading up on it (you can read up on it too, if you're interested *nods* http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maslow's_hierarchy_of_needs)
And ya, I acknowledge there's a lack in my "safety" level, because of my childhood, which unfortunately sticks with me through the rest -__-
But something jumped out at me.. in the next section of Love and Belonging.
"After physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the third layer of human needs are interpersonal and involve feelings of belongingness. The need is especially strong in childhood and can over-ride the need for safety as witnessed in children who cling to abusive parents." It was the clinging part. It's like it was an eye opener.. I remember as a kid, that ya, I was always affectionate towards people but more so towards my dad. Like LOADS more as opposed to towards anyone else,even my mom. I couldn't have explained why. I know it's what made me his "favourite" (and I know how people say that parents don't have favourites.. but you'd say differently if you had met my dad). Did I cling to him so much because of the lack of acceptance I felt from him?
And the situation repeats itself.. because looking back to the relationships I've had.. whenever things seemed to be going horribly wrong, that's when I clinged the hardest. I'm sure it's suffocating to others. Because it's suffocating for me in different ways. Not that I realize so much that I'm clinging, but I do notice the change in me. And the blaming commences, why am I acting this way? What is wrong with me? Because god forbid that the problem not lie within me, but in the other person. I don't ever allow myself to think that. There are only a few key times where I've been able to come to my senses, because I had noticed something was wrong and had sought out external help and had seen the situation under a different light. Where I tried to work things out with the other person, and after the other person acknowledging that there was in fact a problem (but never tried to resolve it, even after saying he'd try), only then did I allow myself to say... "maybe it's not just me".
Definitely, some form of therapy will be useful and is needed. I've come to terms with that. And not doing anything about it will only stunt my growth, I don't want that. I only want what's best for me.
It brings back what I was talking to Sylvie about last week. She was telling me again to not look for someone. She always tells me that, and I know she says it for me, because it's true and I need to hear it.. and she was telling me how she was looking and neither was her bf at the time and they found each other and they're happy and ya I was feeling kind of bitter because I was in a mood that night (mainly because of the idiot I had talked to moments earlier on the phone.. for work.. anyways I digress). So I answered kind of rough, because at first I felt as though she was accusing me of having been searching and that's why it wasn't meant to be, and I hadn't been so I was a tad miffed. But as I was writing my feelings came out and I came to the realization that I can't do this alone anymore, y'know?
anywho, this is what I said:
"i wasn't looking for lucio either and he found me. but it wasn't the right guy and i don't trust me anymore. so no, i'm not looking anymore. and i'm going to work on me and only me. and find a shrink to go to and see if maybe somehow whatever the fuck is wrong with me can be fixed so i can live a peaceful life without being overly dependant on the affection of someone. and so that my self confidence, self esteem and self worth can improve."
And it all just ties in together. The fears that I've had since I was a teen.. y'know.. about them saying you'll marry someone like your dad.. the fears I've had when in bad relationships, the doubting that I wasn't really loved, clinging to affection. It's all related and just "forgetting" about the past, doesn't actually make it go away. Trust me, I've tried for SO many years. Thinking that if I didn't think of something it would make the problems disappear. But if I think about it, if I keep it fresh in my mind, it'll always stay there to haunt me and follow me around. So, I would not think about the past, burying it deep within. But does it ever just vanish? No. It doesn't. It stays in your self conscious and while you're not thinking of it, the fears still build. That something's not quite right. That there's something missing. Now while it may just be in your relationship, it can also be due to your past.
So therapy... HERE I COME!!! Because trying to solve it on my own just isn't working out the way I had planned.
OKies.. I'm off for now..
Sunday, July 29, 2012
first in a long while
I went on a date today, with a guy I've been talking to all week. Like constantly, it's fun talking with him and though I got really nervous for today, it went by really well. And I was feeling great when I got home. I had so much fun. and I really like him.. he's super sweet and everything.. and we were texting when we got home.. and then he's like
"can i say something?"
so i was like "sure"
"i liked the night and you are trully sweet and Funny.... i just wanted to know (and don't be upset please) if you are sometimes more féminine like with hairstyle or make up or i Dunno.
I do like natural woman..."
me: Not really.. I'm in dire need of a haircut tho I'll admit that.
Too natural for you?
him: well i don't want u to change your ways for me
me: Mmm
him: sorry i don't want to sound rude
me: Mmm
It is what it is, I had fun and I really like you, but if I'm not what you're looking for.. I can't do anything about that. Thanks for tonight tho
(ya ya, stupid me who stays nice and even smiles.. while i'm crying. awesome, right?)
him: i feel bad too... i had a great time too... u are sweet and nice *buggie*.... thank you
and that's it. nothing else.
I thought about it.. I thought, maybe I could tell him I could come to a halfway point or something, but I really thought about it and no, I don't want to wear make up all the time. and wtf can I do with my hair apart from maybe dying it and cutting it (hairstyles etc..) and he knew I was tomboyish, what tomboy wears makeup? I love me as is. and if he can't love me as is. regardless of how it hurts, I decided to go with "It is what it is, I had fun and I really like you, but if I'm not what you're looking for.. I can't do anything about that. Thanks for tonight tho "
but still. I feel shitty, oh so shitty *forces a smile*
"can i say something?"
so i was like "sure"
"i liked the night and you are trully sweet and Funny.... i just wanted to know (and don't be upset please) if you are sometimes more féminine like with hairstyle or make up or i Dunno.
I do like natural woman..."
me: Not really.. I'm in dire need of a haircut tho I'll admit that.
Too natural for you?
him: well i don't want u to change your ways for me
me: Mmm
him: sorry i don't want to sound rude
me: Mmm
It is what it is, I had fun and I really like you, but if I'm not what you're looking for.. I can't do anything about that. Thanks for tonight tho
(ya ya, stupid me who stays nice and even smiles.. while i'm crying. awesome, right?)
him: i feel bad too... i had a great time too... u are sweet and nice *buggie*.... thank you
and that's it. nothing else.
I thought about it.. I thought, maybe I could tell him I could come to a halfway point or something, but I really thought about it and no, I don't want to wear make up all the time. and wtf can I do with my hair apart from maybe dying it and cutting it (hairstyles etc..) and he knew I was tomboyish, what tomboy wears makeup? I love me as is. and if he can't love me as is. regardless of how it hurts, I decided to go with "It is what it is, I had fun and I really like you, but if I'm not what you're looking for.. I can't do anything about that. Thanks for tonight tho "
but still. I feel shitty, oh so shitty *forces a smile*
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Being young is fun!
Ok so I hadn't done this in over a decade, but I guess you can count it as my "celebrating my youngness" mwahahaha
I just turned 31 although I don't feel a day over 4! (minus my old bones lol) I totally went trick or treating this year XD and OMG was it ever fun!!! I may have lied about my age, but isn't the whole thing of dressing up for Halloween pretending to be something you're not? So, it's all good =D Some guy asked me if I was 15, so I went with 15 1/2 mwahahahaha thank god no one asked me what year I was born in.. I'd have to do some seriously fast counting (I suck at math lol). It was loads of fun and I got me a bagful of candies. I didn't go alone, I went with my best friend lil' Drago. =3
We got some compliments for our costumes.. my buddy scared a few kids (big & small) lol
He was a really good Frank (from Donnie Darko), looming behind me, not speaking lol My costume was a blue Totoro gone wrong.. I named it "Pedo T" LOL but because nobody could guess what I was, I went to a Halloween party on Saturday and even there got soooo many different guesses. There was: penguin, badger, panda, kitty, donkey, bunny. With all the little kids hovering around, I figured saying my costume was a "Pedo T" might be slightly frowned upon.. So when asked I went with "a bunny and badge hybrid" lol It worked hahaha
Sunday, May 15, 2011
fun day, horrible night..
Still a little plague rat, though no longer contagious. I went out Saturday with my lil' Drago to what was supposed to be a "quick" trip to the SPCA and then to Walmarde to pick up some much needed kitty supplies. Quick trips to the SPCA have never been short in my lifetime and that didn't change saturday either >.< We stayed until 5pm but it was extremely fun and Raine has become a daddy for the 1st time!! He got a cute little kitty, almost all black with a few white spots. She's tooo cute ♥ and we will go pick her up either Monday or Tuesday. We both left very happy.. I think happy is an understatement... Raine was extatic X3 hehe
So, today we set out to get kitty supplies. This is his first kitty so we got a litter box and ear wipes and toys and food. We'll be picking up the litter on Monday, same as the pet carrier. It was really fun, I always have fun with Raine ^^ I'll be going with him to pick up Mia (he's named her that =3) and then we'll take her home and play.. and then I'll have to go work Dx beurk... working on a Monday night.. how atrocious D8
So, home later today and well.. I spoke to my bf.. if you could even call it that.. he's been dodgy for 2 weeks now. Moreso, since our spat last Tuesday when I was feverish and asked him to do something for me and well.. it kind of exploded.. he hadn't really been talking much to me all week. If he'd log on to msn, he'd barely speak to me. He said we needed to talk but he would wait for me to get better. I was leaving the issue alone.. although it hurt me, I knew if he wanted to talk to me maybe I was looking into things too much. I wasn't. The way he briefly "spoke" to me on msn tonight was all too obvious. But we wouldn't see each other until next Saturday? So, I pushed and asked regardless and he called me.. and tells me he still loves me but doesn't know what to do anymore because I shattered his heart when I said I couldn't rely on him. He says he knows I didn't mean it, but it hurt and so much so that he doesn't know what to do anymore. So, friends we'll remain and maybe with time he'll get over it and want to work things out. Just like maybe in time, he might not and it'll end at that. Do I want to break up? No, I don't. He says he doesn't want to either and still loves me.. but is breaking up with me anyways. Why is love so fickle?
I think I feel better knowing that it's over rather than having to fret for another week not knowing, doubting and that would probably be more heart-renching in the long run.. Still, I hurt now, and can't help but cry.
So, today we set out to get kitty supplies. This is his first kitty so we got a litter box and ear wipes and toys and food. We'll be picking up the litter on Monday, same as the pet carrier. It was really fun, I always have fun with Raine ^^ I'll be going with him to pick up Mia (he's named her that =3) and then we'll take her home and play.. and then I'll have to go work Dx beurk... working on a Monday night.. how atrocious D8
So, home later today and well.. I spoke to my bf.. if you could even call it that.. he's been dodgy for 2 weeks now. Moreso, since our spat last Tuesday when I was feverish and asked him to do something for me and well.. it kind of exploded.. he hadn't really been talking much to me all week. If he'd log on to msn, he'd barely speak to me. He said we needed to talk but he would wait for me to get better. I was leaving the issue alone.. although it hurt me, I knew if he wanted to talk to me maybe I was looking into things too much. I wasn't. The way he briefly "spoke" to me on msn tonight was all too obvious. But we wouldn't see each other until next Saturday? So, I pushed and asked regardless and he called me.. and tells me he still loves me but doesn't know what to do anymore because I shattered his heart when I said I couldn't rely on him. He says he knows I didn't mean it, but it hurt and so much so that he doesn't know what to do anymore. So, friends we'll remain and maybe with time he'll get over it and want to work things out. Just like maybe in time, he might not and it'll end at that. Do I want to break up? No, I don't. He says he doesn't want to either and still loves me.. but is breaking up with me anyways. Why is love so fickle?
I think I feel better knowing that it's over rather than having to fret for another week not knowing, doubting and that would probably be more heart-renching in the long run.. Still, I hurt now, and can't help but cry.
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