Tuesday, July 31, 2012

god I'm such...

an idiot. Talk about jumping to conclusions. I've been replaying our last convo, trying to figure out if it could mean anything else.. did I jump to conclusions or are appearances that important to him? does he not want me because i wouldn't be "presentable" to others. and i keep shooting that down, because i don't believe he's like that. i don't want to believe that that could be true. but he hasn't replied to me... not since then.. or is it 'cuz it's "my turn".. haha ugh. 

you'd think if i made the right decision, i'd be able to move on.. but why am i still hurting? how much longer and i going to continue breaking down in tears?
i've been trying to "drown" myself, so to speak in kdramas.. kind of like i was doing around the time my dad was in the hospital or even after my last breakup. because it distracts me.. it keeps my mind off of things. except it's not working this time.. i'm being reminded of him everywhere. everything reminds me of him. 
i went out with my lil' Drago yesterday and that seemed to help... but as soon as I was alone again.god.  back to square one.

why did i let myself get so upset, why didn't i leave him time to explain, or say.. something.. anything. 
i was looking back at our texts.. where i asked him if there was a chance i'd be able to see him again and he said it should be possible. why would he say that, if he didn't like me? or if not wearing make up would be a deal breaker? 
and i was thinking about it later... ya, i don't wear makeup usually.. but i've worn it when i go out with Caro.. or i've worn some for weddings. usually just lipstick, if anything else, my friends help me apply it, 'cause i don't know where to start. 

i've been trying to figure out if there's anything i can do. is it too late, do i just force myself to forget him? how much longer do i stay with this lingering shitty feeling. god it hurts. 

i went out with my Kishki (sis) today, begrudgingly.. she nearly had to drag me out. i sooo didn't want to go out today, let alone talk about this. but we did go out, walking le mouton. talking.. i'm a blubbering idiot. god. she confirmed what i was thinking.. the jumping to conclusions and rudely not letting him really speak. i wanted to know if it was too late to apologize and explain myself. 
she didn't think so. said i should calm down first.. then send him a message. 
she said i should explaining how i used to dress up, but because of my weight i had let loose but now found that as i was getting skinnier i thought i ought to be able to take care of myself more, dressing nicer and wearing makeup, etc. and to tell him, it was thanks to him that i had come to that conclusion and was doing for myself and not for him, but to thank him for allowing me to realize that.
and she was saying how i should actually go out, buy new clothes, wear nicer stuff. i know she means well, but that actually does feel like i'd be selling myself out to be something i'm not. i don't mind having some nice clothes, in case i have to go out, but to change my whole wardrobe? o.O

i wrote to him... but i didn't write what she suggested. because it wouldn't be true. when did i ever "take care of myself" in the way she was suggesting? i was a tomboy ever since i wasn't forced to wear my sister's hand-me-downs anymore. i remember i put up a fight when my mom, my friend's mom and friends nearly had to pin me down to put me in a dress and make up for my prom. 
it took me forever to start to find myself, to start liking cute things, to start dressing cuter.. i think in that aspect, i might still be changing. (frak, my first skirt & skort that i bought myself was last summer. that was some "girlyness" for you and that was a first in a loooong time.) i didn't "give up hope" on myself because i was fat. i never really thought of it.. is that the way she saw it? is that how it appears to others? 
but how can i tell him something that i don't believe to be true. i don't believe lies belong in a relationship or friendship or anything really. if you can't be honest with someone, what can you be? if you start with one lie, then you'd need another to cover up.. when does that cycle end? do i want to live my life on lies or truths? so i decided to go with the truth, however bare that leaves me. 

i admit, i'm not crazy about make up. i'm ok with wearing it for special occasions, but not on the daily because i like my natural lip colour.. i don't like how lipstick dyes your lips (usually prefer to wear lip gloss)... and my eyes are already super sensitive, that's why i don't like eyeliner/mascara/eye shadow.. the constant fear that some shit is going to get into my eyes and then they'll flare up, like they do at mere nothingness. 

i sent him a text tonight, explaining why i reacted the way i did.. but i haven't gotten a reply. and i'm scared, y'know? scared that i've scared him off.. or scared that maybe that was really it... what i fear the most is true. and i'm so scared that he won't answer at all.. and also scared that he will. 

i tried being as honest and truthful as i could, without rambling too much (because we all know how awesome i am at rambling off topic)

"i've been thinking about what you said for the past 3 days, and i think i completely misinterpreted. God i feel like such and idiot. i just felt so hurt, because i thought you were telling me you wanted someone more feminine... like someone who can do different hairstyles and wears make up regularly. i'm just, faaak i lack self-confidence. i'm not used to being a girly-girl or getting super nicely dressed up unless i'm going to a wedding or something. i don't have a problem getting a haircut or dying my hair or wearing makeup for something special. it's just every day wearing make up isn't my thing. and i thought that's what you liked, the every day thing. i've only started to be more self-confident in myself recently, like since i started taking better care of my health. and i just assumed the worse, je croyais que je t'avais decu..that you found me nice but that i just wasn't enough. i'm sorry i was rude"
(technically i had to send 2 msgs 'cuz i ran out of writing space)
"i miss talking to you, i really do like you, but i understand if i've messed up my chances with you and i'm sorry if i hurt you"

god. i really feel like i messed up.. you'd think, after having been hurt so many times, i'd learn from experience and not jump to conclusions so as to not hurt someone i care about.. yet instead i went on the defence and did just the opposite. 

and i realise it might be too late, and i may have very well lost an awesome guy.. and that just tears me up. but not as much as thinking i might have hurt him. ;_; i'm such an idiot.

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